iN a w0rld i CaN cAll my oWn..

update 1

2007-02-08T18:21:00.000+08:00

been so long since i last blogged or checked this site..
pretty much has happened..
correction..actually lots has happened..
if u wanna noe..haha..ask me..lol..

anyway..
i m listening to jake shimabukuro playing "while my guitar gently weeps"..
it's really nice tune..and evokes much feelings..
n as i was listening..
n thinking..
i suddenly felt v moody..
how crazy is tt..listening to one of my fav tunes n yet feeling moody..
but well..
i m..
i m thinking n wondering..
how much does anyone know abt anyone else?
how much does anyone noe abt me?
even the ppl closest to me..
how much do they noe abt me? the things i hv been thru..
the feelings i m having.. the memories i had..
likewise..
how much do i really noe others..?
for hu they really r?
for wat experiences they really had?
wat memories they hold dear..
wat things they hv been thru..
actually..
i noe the answer..
silly me..asking a question i noe the answer to..
no one can ever noe the other person completely..
ppl always try to present their best sides..
present the side of them they prefer others to see them as..
isn't that the same for me?
so y am i feelin this way now?
y m i feeling like i could noe more..
y m i feeling like i wan to noe more..
n yet..i m doin nothin to let myself noe more..
it's all so frustrating..
fainted..

but oh well..
one thing's for sure..
jake's guitar really super nice..go youtube find..haha
for some reason his version really v different..
even sounds happy n almost like it could tell a story..
a story of how a man n woman met..
the man goes to war..n fights a victorious war..while the woman waits for his return..
one summer day..the man finally returns..
and they are reunited under the sakura trees as the sakura falls around them..

but as i listened to it again today..
i felt suddenly..
that the story din have a gd end..
the ending sounded like there was a second war..the guy went..n died..n all the woman has is the spirit of the guy accompanyin her as she walks down the lane of sakura trees..

haha..
i m thinking too much..
when i should really be studyin for the test i have tml..
lol..

the world is full of variables..
n not just in the texts..
every step we take..
every decision we make..
every word we speak..
any small change in what we decide to do or say may very well change our future..
perhaps it's time i came to terms with all these..
n really start to plan..

wat i hv until now..
hu i m until now..
wat i did until now..
everything from now on has to hv a direction..
reality is setting in..
and i feel..
i kind of feel like i m losing myself..
with all reality setting in..
i find my world slipping away from me..
my fantasies and ideals i once held close seems to be slippin away from my fingertips..
my hopes n dreams have taken on a different form..
hv i found my identity or is my identity meant to be that of a lost girl?
sometimes..
i just wish i could forget everything n b a little girl oblivious to the workings of things ard her..
but i cant..
tts y i have my world..
tts y i nd my world..
but even now..
my world of fantasy..is being invaded by uncertainty..n lack of confidence......

hahaha..
oh well..
anyway..
recently v busy with an additional module..
MAP1101.. it's v interesting module..
no lectures..
self study but with intensive hours of lab..
super enjoyable and requires internet connection..hahha
maple~!!
i m a maple addict now..
lol
speaking of which..
i better stop n go study abt drugs.. -_-
sigh..studies..
cant do without them, cant do with them.

kill me

2006-12-20T00:06:00.000+08:00

my world crumbled..
the very moment I discovered who I was..
my world crumbled..
the very moment I become truthful to myself..
my world crumbled..
because I could no longer see my future..
n it all happened too suddenly..
I feel so miserable..
As thou darkness has engulfed my very being..
Taken away my capacity to feel..to see..to think..
Just as I tot I knew who I m..
The very next moment..
I din know who I was anymore..
All I wanted was to sink more..
To sink deeper into darkness..
N forever be lost in darkness..
Was it possible to feel this way..?
Now I noe..
It is possible..
Y did I come into existence..?
My presence does not bring additional joy to anyone’s life..
I do not value add anyone’s life..
Nor does anyone because of me..
Feel like living is a joy..
i..
m just a nobody..
that nobody wants me to b ard..
nothing will change no matter what I think..
nothing will change no matter what I feel..
nothing will change no matter what I do..
that is how little I m..
how insignificant my presence is..
no amount of regrets will turn back the time I hv lost..
no amount of regrets can help me get the future I wan..
everythin..
can only b kept within me..
n now..
my biggest regret..
is no longer that I made the wrong decisions in life..
my biggest regret..
is not that I have lost everythin I once held dear..
my biggest regret is not that I was rejected in everythin I do..
but my biggest regret..
is that I was born to this world at this time..
my biggest regret is that I m alive..
n feelin every emotion..
my biggest regret..

my world crumbled..
all I see..
is darkness..
darkness so dark..
tht not even a sliver of shadow can b seen..
darkness so heavy..
that not even the brightest sunlight can penetrate it..
darkness so depressing..
that not even the loveliest maiden can sing her way out of the darkness..

amongst all these..
I really feel..
Like I have fallen into the dark..
I do not want to feel..
I do not want to know..
I do not want to see..
I do not..
I do not..
I just..
I just wan…

Yet I noe..it is not possible..n it is not because of me..or other factors..
So..

because of that sentence..
I will hide myself..
because of the words..
I will hide myself..
because my hurt will give others joy..
I will hide myself..
Because of the way I feel..
I will hide myself..

I will do all these..
Even if it kills me..
I have to do all these..
Put on a mask..
N pretend that nothing happened..
I will b dead..
To every emotion that is in this world..
It is precisely because I care too much..
Tt I have to make myself care about nothing now..

Care about nothing..

can someone drive a knife into me n end my misery once n for all?
i really cant take anymore..
i m not a woman..not even a girl..
i..
i cant handle all these..
just..
end my misery already.
end it.
end......
pplllllllllllssssssss endddddddd it...............

sigh

2006-11-17T15:11:00.000+08:00

i should nv have asked tt question.
y did i ask it knowing the kinda reply i will get??
i'm just so pathetic..
dun even noe how to ask questions..
after this time..
haha..
scared liao..
sigh..
i m so tired..
really v tired..
desperately nd a place of rest..
but yet....
so much things to do..
so much things on my mind..
it's hard to get true rest..
even my dreams wun let me off..
y is resting so hard a thing to do?

there are many stories..
the fish is just there..willingly sacrificing itself to be the next dish of the cat..but with the cat's constant playing of its food..the fish flew..out of its grasp..but it's not like the cat needed that fish anyway..and the fish "dup!" into the ocean..and drowned..because it was too tired to move..and it becomes bubblified..becomes bubbles just like in the story of the mermaid..den the bubbles dissolved into the sea..and the marine animals breathed in and out..none knowing the existence of the poor fish..and definitely not the cat..it will never remember the fish..and the fish..prehaps..has found its true happiness..cox at least bubbles r pretty things no matter how transient..n it is reflective too..even for a transient moment..

hahaha..
not making much sense..
sigh..
omg..
exams r comin..
n i still..
sigh..

CA3

2006-11-17T04:49:00.000+08:00

i m going nuts..
doing doing doing my stoopid CA3..
peng..
sigh..
it's weird how people's emotions are affected by the actions of others..
and how contradictory i can be..
weird..
oh well..
self exploration everyday..
mayb tml i will see yet another side of me..
hahaha..
sigh..

regrets

2006-11-12T17:34:00.000+08:00

someone whom i do not hold in regard at all has caused me to lose someone dear to me.
i really dislike this fact.
misunderstandings and what nots.
the fact that i lost someone dear.
it's a frustrating fact.
and one i just cant take.
a vicious cycle.
of 7 yrs again.

iejvuesntiwfainttotlodshaiymiwlhoavteilfoeueilshaegwaoinntbcuotmietbsaecekmtsotmoebaentyomoolraet.e

i dun understand how things got to this stage.
seriously.

studies is impt..
but to me,
this is just as impt..
yes, i live in the past..
but to me,
my past is what made me me..
my past is who i m..
my past is what makes me go forward to the future..
except in some cases..
perhaps..
this..

liar

2006-11-09T19:19:00.000+08:00

i m such a good liar i amaze myself..
but mayb it's because it's over the sms..
that's y i could say such things..
but how could i have beared to type those words were a question mark.

thought of the day
"what if..
the fish said it's ok?"

if u ask me..

2006-11-09T02:01:00.000+08:00

no matter what u said..
if i could redo one thing about today..
i would wan the sms nv to have been sent out..
no matter what u said..
i would still wan today's conversation to have nv existed..
no matter what u said..
i'd rather be still ignorant..
no matter u said..
i would still wish that u took my suggestion in the sms..
no matter what u said..
i still wan..

if i could redo anything abt today..
i would not have sent the sms out..

if i could redo anything within a week..
i would have brought the pillow case for my pillow instead of a bolster case..

if i could redo anythin within 2 weeks..
i would have asked my professor about whether my essay topic was suitable..

if i could redo anything within the past month..
i would have studied harder for the mcq test i failed..again..

if i could redo anythin within the past 2 months..
i would not have started playing the sims 2 again..

if i could redo anythin within the past 6 months..
i would have taken up those dance classes and swimming classes that i wanted to for so long..

if i could redo anythin within the past 9 months..
i rather not meet those ppl that made me wonder abt how some ppl could have done smt so atrocious and think no one can find out abt it..

if i could redo anything within the past 1 yr..
i would not have allowed myself to see how a backview can become smaller and smaller..

if i could redo anything within the past 2 yrs..
there's nothin to redo..i'd rather go back to 2002 or 2003 in J1 or J2..

if i could redo anythin within the past 5 yrs..
i would have not gone to njc..

people say..
the more u noe what happiness tastes like..
the more u noe what sadness tastes like..
for me..
solving any problem should start at the root..
just like green chemistry remember?
get rid of pollutants at the most basic level..
since the cause of all sadness and frustrations i had or that i have stemmed from the fact that i chose to go to njc..
mayb it would be the best if i had nv joined it..

the more i noe happiness..
the more i noe sadness..
how true..
forgetting everythin is tough..
but i have to..
do i..?
i have to..
must i..?
i must..
can i..?
it's not a question of can or cannot..
i..
in the end..

if u ask me..
wat i would change if i could redo the 5 yrs..
perhaps..
even knowing the outcome now..
i still would have done the choices i made..
i still would have..
cept make some changes here and there so that damage is minimal..

in the end..
i..
m still just a girl..
who cant stop wondering..
"what if i could"..

in the end..
today..
seems like a repeat again..

today..
i wish..
i could have redone the whole of today..
i wish..
i could forget abt any conversation..
i wish..
that i nv knew anything..
ignorance is bliss..
it is always bliss..
sometimes..
it's ur heart vs ur mind..
for me..
when i saw the conflict of actions some days back..
i chose my heart over my mind..
and today..
i was forced to choose my mind over my heart..

do you noe how hard it feels..?
time will wash away everything..?
fine..
for me..
previously it was 9 yrs..
this time..
i still need another 5 yrs..

i guess..
onli i would have the patience to wait..

memories..and feelings..

2006-11-02T03:11:00.000+08:00

i was viewin the video for when me n my fam went to europe..
n i remember how we got trapped at a cabin resort (i think it's a ski resort) because of the heavy snow..
the bus..
the house..
everything had snow..
and the wind was strong..
in the mornin the cars were actually totally covered by the snow..
how cool is that..
haha..
so cold..freezing cold..
i still remember that my fam made a promise not to go to such cold places again..
the previous time we made such a promise was aft we went jack's place..
we promised not to go there for 10 yrs..
n the promise is still valid now..
haha..
but as i was viewin the video..
i knew how much i missed europe..
before i knew it..
i was thinkin abt japan n its disneyland..
sometimes i wish i could leave..
go overseas..
and start a new life..
yet i noe that that is hardly possible..
i really wan to leave this place..
have this sudden urge..
to go back to europe..
as cold as it is..
sometimes i feel that it is warmer than singapore..
i noe i cant let negative tots get me down..
but sometimes they come without me knowin..
and by the time i detect its presence,
it's too late..
i really wan to live my life anew..
make new choices..
see more things..
when i m older..
i wan to go to lots of places..
see their culture..
thou regretably i hv to say that i m more interested in the western culture..
perhaps the only asian places that i m interested in r japan n korea..
other than thai n hongkong..but these two are cox i wanna go shop there..haha..
i really have this strong urge to leave..

sometimes..
i m upset at myself..
because i wan to be someone who's not me..
because i find flaws in myself which i wan to change..
because i restrain myself from being me..
because i care too much abt how others think abt me..
because i think too much abt things..
because i dream too much of happy stories, beginnings and endings..
because i build too much castles in the air..
because i wan to wear the glass slippers of cinderella..
because i wan to sleep till i find my prince charming..
because i wan to live everyday in the dreams that i tot up for myself..
because i do not want to grow up..
because i cant seem to forget things..both happy or sad..
because i cant accept myself for being who i m..
because i cant accept that i m worth it havin all that i have now..
because i m afraid to lose all that i have now..my family and frens..
because i m afraid to return to the days of persecution..
because i m afraid to face the lack of love..
because i m afraid of rejection..
because i m afraid of rejecting..
because i do not know what i wan..
because i try too hard to be who i wan myself to be..
because i care too much abt how i think of myself..
because..there's too many things..

and yet..
there's so many things that i do not wan to change either..
that i m thankful..
i m thankful..
that i still have my close frens with me..
that even aft so long without meeting, words come easily..
that i have my family..
that i have God..
so much more to be thankful..

but even so..
the fear of losin it all..
keeps me from barin all my tots..
sure..
i tell my mum almost everything..
i tell my frens almost everything that i can remember too..
but the fear of losing it all..
somehow..
deters me from truly barin my tots..
somehow..
whenever i suffer from a bout of sadness, depression, desperation..
i always choose to suffer alone..
i cant take it at times..
there's so much on my mind..
yet i do not dare to say it all out..
my actual tots..
my actual feelings..
i bottle them all up..
in the tv shows and such..
ppl always act as thou writin stuff n puttin it in bottles and throwin them into the sea will do them gd..
but i dun think so..
they show that if u shout as loud as u can..
u will let it all out..
but for me, i end up crying even harder after shouting..
when i see happy endings or cute beginnings on tv..
i start to tear..n i wonder if it's cox i do not bliv it exists in real life..
when i see family problems on tv..
when i see that a girl is where she does not belong..
i think abt myself..
where i come from..
n the past hurt and persecution..
and i just get so depressed..
i really m afraid..
of losing it all..
of losing faith in life and all of its beauty..
i really m..
i m afraid that with respect to my family,
things will go back to the original status and i will no longer be welcomed..
i m afraid to lose faith in life..
that happy beginnings, happy endings, true marriages and true love does not exist..
i m afraid to lose myself..
i m afraid..
that i will withdraw into my own shell one day..
without anyone noticing..

i really cant take it anymore..

not for the weak hearted

2006-10-31T23:49:00.000+08:00

this entry is not meant for the weak hearted, the elderly, the young.
it is not for the faint and definitely not for ppl who cant stand rantings.
if u belong to any of the above,
please do not continue reading this entry.
stop here and close this window before u decide to punch me or anything.

i m SO disgusted.
i mean, astoundingly seriously utterly amazingly totally thoroughly DISGUSTED.
i cant find a stronger word for how i feel and no.

there isn't any profanities found in this entry either,
so if u r lookin for profanities in this entry,
u better quit here cox u r lookin in the wrong place.

i do not, i repeat, i DO NOT understand how a person could have done such a thing.
this is almost drama like.
n u noe wat angers me the most?
i cant confront the problem.
ARGH!!
at least i have frens who share the same sentiments.
at least i have a source to vent all these fustrations.

but still..
i just dun reddy understand how it could hv happened.
i really dun free king understand.
but one thing is for sure.
my judgement of character has failed me..
still,
i m not surprised that i m having these feelings now..
in fact,
i seem to hv anticipated such a thing happening!
this is a theory of "how it happened in the past most prob will happen the same thing when a similar situation arises"
i seem to b able to foretell such things..
gd or bad?
GOOD.
cox it did me well to make a informed decision.
this made me even happier that i did whatever i had to do.
this made me appreciative of my frens.
this made me a stronger WOMAN.
althou it's a lil early for tt, but better now den nv.

seriously..
as much as i know that knowing the truth is gd for me,
i have no idea how asuch a thing could hv even happened.
how i could hv even allowed myself to get stuck in this kinda situation.
amazingly,
i seem to hv a knack for gettin myself into trouble.
n i m seriously tired of it.
true,
imagining myself finding and enjoying new cheese may lead me to it,
but for now,
cheese to me is a dangerous thing.
sure,
cheese is an added advantage,
cheese makes people happy.
but cheese gives ppl diarrohea when they ingest the wrong type of cheese.
for me,
it's time to define the type of cheese i wan.
i wan the green cheese off the blue pickled moon.
the cheese should smell great and taste great and look nice enuf to eat.
it should not hv worms and i do not wan the fermented kind.
i do not wan a totally mature cheese, one that is in the middle of maturity is the best.
of cox,
ultimately, the cheese tt i wan should b adaptable, changing and of cox,
recognise me as the only person to eat it.
but such a cheese is rare.
precisely so because it is the green cheese off the blue pickled moon.
which means to say,
such a cheese most prob doesn't exist.
so for now,
no cheese for me,
i do not wan another food poisoning..
and i definitely do not wan to die of it..
not worth dying or sufferin because of moldy old cheese.
that's y,
before plunging ur teeth into any kind of cheese,
make sure u noe wat kind of cheese u r eating,
n not live to regret later.

life's not abt regrets, it's about moving on and gainin new experiences.
so tts wat i m goin to do.

tidal waves

2006-10-31T15:00:00.000+08:00

only half hr of slp today..
already feeling super blur and yet..
i m telling you..
when troubles come, they dun come in singles,
nor do they come in waves..
for me,
they come in the form of tsunamis..
too bad i wun give in and drink the seawater and die of dehydration..
too bad i shall survive..
at least for this time round.

after so long..

2006-10-31T02:19:00.000+08:00

it took me so long to realise this..
a bit too long in fact..
still..
better late den nv huh..
so it's time..
to act on wat i hv realised..
before it becomes detrimental..
i hv to stop it..
before it becomes too late for me to do anythin..
i hv to do smt..
before i cant bear to do anything..
i must..
i have to..
but i dun wan to..
no matter how much i dunwan to..
i hv to..
how contradictory..
the understatement of a woman's life..
MY life. the story of MY life.
but i dun have to like it.
because i dun.

memories..

2006-10-30T01:20:00.000+08:00

lingering memories..
they still haunt my sleep..
they still haunt my thoughts..
the memories..
are still lingering..
haunting..
the very depths of my soul..
against my wishes..
against my efforts..
they still..
linger..
and haunt..
teach me a way to forget..
teach me a way to pretend..
teach me a way to be who i wan to be..
teach me..
to..
let it all go..
teach me..
to forget..
everything..
every single thing..
let me..
forget..
just..
forget..
so that..
they can never haunt me..
they will no longer linger..
as long as they are here..
i cant let go..
so..
let me forget..
that's all i want..
so y is it so hard..?

gibberrrrr

2006-10-26T01:06:00.000+08:00

i just finished another piers anthony book of xanth series..
this one's titled "currant events"..
yup..another one full of puns..
and of cox fantasy..
i cant say how much i love piers anthony's xanth series..
with it, i feel like my imagination can run free and wild..
and of cox..have a stomachache due to the silly puns..
hahaha..
still..
i realised that i have read the same book too many times..
over and over again..not twice or thrice..
i kept re-reading them..
all the chapters..just seem to kp me so interested when i was reading..
yet..when i put down the book,
it seemed as though i could do without ever touching another xanth book again..
i think it's got to do with the first touch of the book..
haha..
once i touch it, i just couldn't put it down without readin it..
that's y any attempts to pack my hostel usually wound up in me reading books..
for xanth's series..
the affinity was weird..
i cant remember how i came to buy the first book i had..
but i know that the first book kept me entertained for months..
it still does keep me entertained..(along with other books..)
when i saw it, i couldn't leave it..
when i bought it, i couldn't shelve it..
but now that i hv touched, read and smelt it for the thousandth time..
it made me wonder whether it did me gd to buy it in the first place..
i mean..re-reading it took time..
and re-reading it so many times..it takes up even more time..
still..i guess the discovery of xanth series is a gd thing..
wonderful in fact..
spent many wonderful days of curling with a book in my lap..
but u noe..
i cant just keep reading xanth series only right..?
granted, there are still some xanth books tt i haven read..
but if i continued pursuing this series..
and one day i managed to exhaust the collection..
den does it mean i have nothin to look forward to..?
besides..
i have been re-reading xanth books for the longest time..
to be more specific..
i hv been re-reading chpters (that r farnier in my opinion) of the books..
it's time for me to close the books..n mayb find new series..
or find new hobbies altogether..
i shouldn't always just bury my head in the chpters of the book which i found interesting rite?haha..
still..it's going to be hard to quit xanth..
i really did like the series a lot..haha..
mayb i shouldn't quit the series but try to complete the series instead..
hmmm..
oh well..

actually..
my rooster is dying..
i noe he's old..but..still..i did want him to move over to the new house..
my mum told me he vomitted..and had white poo-poo..
my dad fed him panadol-ish water, again..
i spoke at length with him yesterday abt how i wanted him to go over with us to the new house..
my mum told me..
that this rooster had the strongest fighting will to live..
she said tt most roosters would hv stuck out their feet and died yesterday..
but this rooster is special..
i mean.
he's already like what..8 or 9 yrs old..
which is super old for a chicken..

life's super unpredictable..
one min he seems fine..
the next..
one of his feet is into the grave..
one min..
i was thinkin of one thing..
and the next..
i wonder y i even started to think of tt thing..

sigh..i duno wat i m tokin le..
only had an hour's slp..
i duno whether i have taken anythin for granted in my life..
i m afraid i hv done so..
but even if i had..
the most i can do now..
is to make sure that i dun take things for granted again..

angel devil me

2006-10-05T02:21:00.000+08:00

i have heard of a girl..
whose wings were torn away from her..
every feather..
stripped away..
every feather..
gone..
and her wings are now clipped..
a flightless angel..
a flightless dreamer..
deprived of her wings..
and of her dreams..
of love of warmth and of everything nice..
her face was coated with tears abundant..
her posture indicates her burden..
her heart heavy and worn out..
her expression ill with torment and sadness..
her eyes desperately searching..
for a safe haven to hide in..
and finding none..

she's just a girl..
the angel in her is fighting on..
but the devil in her is torturing her..
denying her rest..
i saw all these..
and i wanted to offer her a safe haven..
i wanted to rid her of her depression n torment..
i wanted to find her wings for her..
and fasten it back on for her..
staying beside her to protect her..
making sure she nv loses her wings her dreams or her way again..
and yet i couldn't..

because at the moment..
i woke up..
and i realised..
that the girl was me..

wat a day..

2006-10-03T23:33:00.000+08:00

oh well..wat a day..
guess wat..
there's a peeping tom!
-_-
right in kfh too..
oh man..how could i have let him go!!!!
this happened today..
AFTERNOON..
4pm..
broad daylight..
does this mean that "the most dangerous place(hour) is the safest?"
i mean..
how could this have happened???
oh well..
he got away..but mayb some other girls will be more careful..
i mean..
seriously..
with the security of the hostel..
one would think that it would b ok and safe..
n now..
this kinda thing had to happen..
n i have lived here for 2 plus yrs!
sigh..
i m just so..
speechless and appalled and disgusted and shocked and out-of-my-mind and lost and confused and bewildered and upset and oh!!!
sigh..
how could i have been so silly to let tt guy go without doubting a thing..
peng..

A Wedding Night

2006-10-02T00:03:00.000+08:00

"Love is patient,

love is kind.

It does not envy,

it does not boast,

it is not proud.

It is not rude,

it is not self-seeking,

it is not easily angered,

it keeps no records of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil

but rejoices with the truth.

it always protects,

always trusts,

always hopes,

always perseveres.

Love never fails....."

1 Corinthians 13: 4 - 8

my cousin got wedded yesterday..at a fairy point chalet in changi..somehow the mood seems different..especially when it came to the exchanging of vows..

i have never seen my cousin in such a light before..he seems to be so much in love..in heaven if i may put it that way..he seems..different..the two of them..from their world of singles..coming together to form another world of their own..leaving behind what world they have..

it seems..

so blissful..

and the atmosphere felt so right..

as the pastor has so aptly said abt my cousin,

"these are the hands, so young and strong, that will bleed as they try to fix things around the house to make life comfortable for u.

these are the hands that will bring back the earnings of the day.

these are the hands that will comfort you in times of ur sorrow and will let u find the comfort u need in his arms. . . (the list went on)"

when the pastor said "so young and strong", we burst out laffing..

cox that's my cousin..young and strong..n i do mean STRONG...hahaha..

so they're now happily married..and we (me and my sis) did hv a somewhat crazy session tgt with my younger cousins..

duno whether it's because i m young that i can still click with them..haha..my sis in j1..my cousins in sec 1 and 2..and we just ran ard like a couple of maniacs..lol..i was the second oldest cousin there le..(not counting my korkor who was the bridegroom that day) and there are some cousins here and there of assorted ages..but i guess the 4 of us just went too crazy that the elders were calling us the girl army in chinese..lol..sounds good huh..cox i m included in the batch of girls who r deemed by others to be young..haha..

if possible..i nv want to grow up..

if possible..i want to go back to my days as an njcian, as an 18 yr old..that's the golden age for girls..and that's where some of my best frenships were forged..still..

i guess it's not possible huh..?

so..

i just wan to dream.. of happiness in my arms again..of an 18 yr old still unaware of happenings and sometimes ridiculously oblivion to everything that's going ard her..i just wan to be that girl..

new blog design!!

2006-09-27T04:44:00.000+08:00

so happy!!

finally changed my blog design le..hahah..

oh well..
i koped the initial design from blogskin..but i rearranged it and added it my own flavour..wahahaha..=>

my own snowfall..my own music..n so on..proud to take ownershhip of my blog..so fun..

sigh..oh well..it's been long since i last blogged..and for some reason i duno what to blog abt..so i shall..stop here and cultivate feelings to blog..lol..

and meanwhile watch goong..AGAIn..hahaha..

what's new?

2006-05-16T17:06:00.000+08:00

what's new?
so many things..
i m really quite vexed..
n i wonder..
how the he*k did i manage to get myself into such a stupid fix?
i really wonder..
i m just so irritatingly horribly grostequely frustratingly disgustingly unhappy and unsatisfied!
things have changed so much..
so much adjusting to do..
and yet this kind of sh*t happens to me.
i m really upset.
with a capital U.
so what does God want for me?
is he going to show his way soon?
cox i m getting pretty lost around here..
anymore n i shall declare an EMERGENCY and force myself to go underground like how the MCPs were forced underground when the Britians declared the Emergency..
oh wait.
or i could jolly well play the disappearing game.
the strawberry has traces of white within the red. as if green is not enuf. it was thought to be sweet, n yet u realise that sometimes u see an occassional worm.
then we say: hey artificial sweeteners are good too! but none of us see that the forced sweetness sometimes causes decay to happen.
den u think. perhaps i should change from eating fruits to going vegetarian.
i mean. it's good for health, it's good for the teeth, at least it doesn't cause indigestion or tooth decay!
perhaps i should really seriously consider going vegetarian.
hu noes,
i mite be able to purge all the bodily poisons from my body and live an unconstricted and much happier life.
crap.
first they tell me it was slip disc. then they say it's a fractured spine. then they changed their mind and said hey! it might be your kidney problems! and then they think again, hmmm maybe it might be your back muscles that r not strong enuf! n then they put me thru acupuncture and physiotherapy and medication..
oh wait, how can i forget the mental torture?! oh great. now my back starts to hurt again.
i m really upset!
oh well, lookin on the bright side,
i have experiences that r unforgettable blablabla.
crap.
i still totally am at war with my surroundings.
whatever happen to inner peace? i guess the inner peace decided to leave me at war with myself. and with my surroundings.
all hail the war!
crap.

bull shit

2006-03-29T03:24:00.000+08:00

wat do u say when u see some poop?
bull-shit..
how do u noe it's a bull?
cox i just know..

my wardrobe's real messy..
all kinds of clothes inside..
new ones, gd ones, bad ones, ugly ones..
when i wear them..
different things happen..
may be called ugly..
or nice..
or pretty..
but somehow..
recently,
i feel as though my clothes dun fit me..
i'm really sick of buying new clothes..
mayb i wun buy new ones anymore..
u noe how it feels to model smt in front of the mirror..
n feels so satisfied that u decide to buy it..
but when u got home,
u realise the clothes are REALLY ugly..
and decide to chuck them aside in ur wardrobe..
u wish not to wear them..
but every now n then,
when u r ransacking ur wardrobe for things to wear,
u will see the ugly clothes..
and u sigh..
thinkin: y did u even buy it in the first place?
kind of silly really..
sometimes i feel like just packing everything up and throwing them away..
a better use would be to donate them to red cross..
but i cant find the time to do so..
or mayb it's cox i cant bear to do it..?
haha..
but it's really choking up my wardrobe..
and everytime i look at the ugly clothes..
den at the "ok" clothes..i cant help but think:
hey, the "ok/gd" clothes are looking withered due to the presence of ugly clothes in my wardrobe..it's as though i m growing uglier le..hahaha
can it be true???
nah..
i m still pretty-->hahaha..
it's just my clothes..
hmmm..
forget abt that statement which i made in the beginning..
come nx sem,
i shall revamp my wardrobe..
throw the ugly ones..
keep/change the gd ones..
and buy more!!
den perhaps my mum wun scold me for an exploding wardrobe!
hahaha..
sigh..
long days ahead before i can do anything thou..
COX THE EXAMS ARE COMING..

tired..sick..wat else..

2006-03-06T23:24:00.000+08:00

i just want to go back to my first few years of life..at least..even though i was lacking in love from grandparents..and had a tough life..but at least..i dunhv to put up with so horrible things..i m tired..hurt..whatever u call it..i still feel that everyone might have made a mistake in doin tt..because it's almost always after the whole thing itself that u learn to appreciate others..n u start to see the little things they do..start to understand them more..things are repeating themselves..will they make another mistake..?will everythin fall apart..?

we r just goin in circles..doing the same thing over n over..until that last day..we look back..n see that nothing's been accomplished out of those we did..

my mum always said that uni would prove to b the best times of my life..uni would be so fun and enjoyable..while my dad always said that uni is the place that you start to see the dark side of ppl..

for me..i would agree with my dad..perhaps there r true friendships forged within the university..but there r definitely other sorts of frenships..ppl who said smt den do another..ppl hu leave u all hurt and battered..ppl who r backstabbers and betrayers..so many kinds..i come out of relationships all worn out..all tired..but of coz..there'r ppl ard me whom i treasure for bein there..yup..even ppl in university..there are good frenships..at least..i hope things will remain the same..

so then..where's my goal..?i thought i saw my goal..den i changed it for another..comprising for smt i blived it..bud now..r things really so simple n easy..?how many ups and downs..how much more suffering and happiness..?what will i become..?perhaps i have learnt..to be no longer so naive..physical abuse from my grandparents ain't that bad..wounds do heal..and they most prob wun affect my life thereafter..but mental hurt?wounds heal too..n ppl do forget it..but the events would have changed one's perspective..and one's decision..hence influencing one's life..

i've learnt it the hard way..
perhaps uni life for me..has come to an end..? or perhaps..i have reached rock bottom..meaning..there's no way to go except up..so which one is it gona b..?

ICECREAM

2006-03-01T16:30:00.000+08:00

tried a new flavor of icecream the other day..
brownie icecream with a tinge of sesame..
gave me a toothache..and a headache..
perhaps i've got sensitive teeth?
anyway..
tried it again today..and realise that the tinge of sesame seems to hv gotten stronger..
seems like i can even smell a fishy smell as the after flavor..haha..
as if brownie with sesame doesn't taste weird..now i even taste fish at the back of my tongue..
perhaps it's just me..?
haha..
icecreams really can give me a headache..
i rather take fruits anytime..just as orange, mango the likes..
but then again..icecream can be really cooling..esp on a hot day..
it's only bad when it starts to stink because it's spoiling or when it's cold to the point it's killing ur tooth..
yup..
i ate spolied icecream..
n i am sufferin a bad stomachache..
go figure.
who wouldn't suffer a bad stomachache from eating spoiled icecream?
i actually heard of others who ate the same icecream i did and suffered an even worst stomachache..
lucky my tastebuds r a bit immune..
just pity those that hv to eat that kinda icecream again n again n again..
but i m blowing the whole thing out of proportion..
so yup..
sue me,
i cant tolerate taking icecream which, in my opinion, stinks up my mouth so much i hv to wash my mouth with listerine..
dun EVER take any icecream that has sesame in it..it's disgusting..

yongyong

2006-02-07T22:02:00.000+08:00

I just read from my sis's entry that she tot my life was all mine from the age of 14..sometimes I feel that my sis has it easy goin for her..just that she doesn't realize it..the grass is always greener on the other side..hu noes..mayb it's the case for me too..bud still..

My sis has always been the one between the two of us to hv been shown so much love from everywhere..my mum..and even my paternal grandmum said this..it was aft they told me this that I realized..it's true..my sis is my grandparent's real grandchild..she's been showered with love..while I was treated with contempt..i was raised by my maternal grandma..whom hv always used the form of rubbing chili on my lips in front of others as punishment..while my sis seldom had to suffer any form of punishment..i was forced to grow up so much more quickly than my sis had to..i had seen so much that my sis did not..my sis tot I had it easy going..but she did not see the numerous closed door talks with my mum regarding my supposed freedom..she did not see the numerous times my dad and mum used to get so upset at me..i had to fought..for every single thing that came along my way..for freedom to go out..for freedom to buy my own clothes..for freedom to have my own phone..i fought..while my sis manage to enjoy the fruits of it so much more earlier I could wish for..and yet she still thinks I hv it easy going..i got to have what I hv now with a price: I hv always called home, tried to be responsible by telling mum as early as I can to make sure she doesn't hv to cook unnecessarily, or worry unduly..and now, let's touch on the sensitive issue..

Yong, if u feel that ur life is miserable coz mum decided to oppose of ur relationship, I tell u, u should just forget the notion. Get it straight. She did it to me too. Behind closed doors. UMPTEEN times for both relationships. It's just that I happen to get 8 A1s even though I had a breakup, so mum n dad din worry so much. They just wan results.. Besides, u shld noe their taste. They nv did like ppl to wear accessories or wear baggy clothings, i.e. hip hop style. U shouldn't be feeling that I hv my own life. U noe how bad I felt when I read ur blog? Do u really feel that u have nothing and I have everything? Do u really feel u r always opposed while I always get what I wan? Wake up. There's one thing I want but I will nv get, and that's to no longer fear nai nai ye ye and love them and to get their unconditional love. But u, my dearest sis..u hv all of us to love u.. to protect u from everything that comes ur way..y cant u see it…? All I wan for u is to hv everything I cant hv..but u nd to be sensible..to get what u wan is tough..u hv to noe the meaning of responsibility..and show it to mum n dad..yong..u've always been a lucky and loved girl..since u r in mum's stomach..n I was the exact opposite..i was the result of an unwanted marriage..n mum nv did rejoice in my birth..u shld b contented..for there r so many ppl worst off than u..pls see the truth..and dun comment foolishly..if u wan something..talk to me..i'll be there..i noe I might not be able to help much in terms of bargainin for u..but I might be able to teach u a few tricks since I hv gone thru what u r goin thru now..pls dun shut me out..somehow..i feel that we have grown further apart from each other..

Yong, pls let me play my part as ur elder sis..n forgive me for using such an avenue to tok to u..coz I duno how to start to tok to u face to face..

i duno what to say

2006-01-19T17:17:00.000+08:00

it's been a long time since i last blogged..

oh well..

been overseas and now m back..

been trapped in a snow blizzard and survived..

now..just wondering how i led myself into such a stupid predicament..

oh well..

things r not looking well..

and worst?

i m not feelin well..

i feel discoloured..like all the colors left me..

i feel deprived of nutrients..like all the nutrients hv been leached away..

i feel tired..like my eyes hv not closed for the longest time..

i feel messy..just like how my table is now..

i feel dusty..and moldy..and wrinkly..and crumbly..

i feel..

horrible
i duno what in the world is goin on..

smts feel like e whole world is on my shoulders..

feel like all my actions r being scruntinized to the very last detail..

feel like i m constantly being pinpointed..

i m gona crumble..

not like the world's goin to care..

ya..

so i hv become so much more negative and depressed..

ya..

so the online me is so far away from the me everyone sees me by n by..

so sue me..

if this goes on..

i will be the one suffering from all the mental breakdowns and mental whatever..

if this goes on..

siow ween will cease to exist..

perhaps that's the best thing?

well..

sorry God for belittling my life, but i hv to get it out of my chest..

perhaps siowween was nv meant to exist..

exist for what? as what?

senseless..

so sue me for not wanting to exist..i'll wait to be executed..

sick and tired of the world and its reddy perceptions..

exams..?think again..

2005-11-28T05:41:00.000+08:00

i'm awake..ya..got an exam at 9 am later..in say, 3 hrs time..
n ya..guess where i've studied till..?
still got 7 freakin chpters left..
but i dunwan to bother..
sigh..
no matter how much pressure i give myself oso no use le..
mite as well b positive, borrow God's strength and walk into that examination hall looking like i noe every single answer..
mayb i should bring along an extra eraser too?
u noe..to let me choose between a b c and d..
hahaha..
oh well, guess i will go back to flipping the pages..
tt way, at least i can say i finished studying..

L
O
L

unhappiness

2005-11-04T23:25:00.000+08:00

i m really unhappy..
U
N
H
A
P
P
Y

the day everything fell apart..

2005-10-30T01:51:00.000+08:00

have you ever experience the pain of having something ripped out of ur life..?
have you ever had to watch someone leave..n wish you cld do something abt their leaving..?
have you ever hurt someone n wish that it was you instead who was hurt..?
have you ever tried to cry..n the tears wun come out..?
have you ever tried calling out someone's name..n realise that you do not have the strength to do so..?
have you ever watched someone running away from you..n ur legs just seem to involuntarily want to run aft tt someone..?
have you ever been haunted by a particular memory..a particular scene playing itself over n over again..n all you can think of is how tt someone ran away..n ur feet just wan to take off aft tt someone..ur heart is bleeding..ur vision become blur..ur mind is a blank..u cant think..n ur feet just wan to fly aft tt someone..?
have you ever tried having ur heart break into a million pieces..n breaking someone else's heart into a zillion pieces..n because of how you broke tt someone's heart..each of ur one million pieces of hearts splitted into a million pieces again..?
have you ever had so many dreams..n had them all shattered in a night by ur words..?
have you ever felt the want of something..yet..u noe..it's not possible to want that something..because..at least at this point of time..that's not what God wants for u..?
have you ever tried to do what God wants of u..n feel so heartbroken in the process..?

i m just a girl..a girl who wants to live in a protected world..a girl..who's not strong enough to bear the weight of the whole world on her shoulders..
one pair of footprints in the sand..
but..what about him..?
i m just..

17/8/02 9pm - 29/10/05 11.55pm

R.I.P?

thoughts..

2005-10-19T02:38:00.000+08:00

thoughts are terrible things..
i mean..
thoughts??
wat for??
in the end ur mind is just allowed to run all the over the place..
n teachers exploit our thoughts to their use by making us write thesis and stuff..
so wat for hv thoughts?
without thoughts,
one thing is for sure,
the world will be a happier place and many ppl would actually be genuinely happy for ONCE.
i mean.
thoughts r HORRIBLE.
suddenly i detest being a thinkin person.
perhaps i shld donate all my brain cells away..
den i ask this question: what for donate my brain cells away?
to harm another person by making the person think lots??
ARH!!!
by typing all these..
it's so obvious i m thinkin..
BEN SI LE!!!
just..
ARGH!
stop thinking!!!

ah

2005-10-10T20:09:00.000+08:00

awake at 5.55am

2005-10-07T06:29:00.000+08:00

i am still awake!!
haha..slept at 1..woke at 4..got to do my stupid project for HY2243..
wrote an essay on whether James Bond in "You only live twice" or Uma Thurman in "Kill Bill" understood Asia better..
my opinion, neither, coz I understood Asia better..
HAHAHA..

anyway..
here's smt on my DARLING sister's blog..but i editted it to include only those i understoodED and tot was funnier..

Fun things to do on elevator.

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
Meow occasionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
Start a sing-along.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
Say "Ding!" at each floor.
Lean against the button panel. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
Bring a chair along.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at the passengers.
Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
Bring a water pistol. Soak everyone's shoes.
Start brushing off invisible bugs from your arms, screaming "Aaughh! Get them off!"
Challenge your neighbor to a "Tic-Tac-Toe" tournament.
Laugh hysterically for five seconds, stop, and glare at the other passengers like they are crazy.
Charge into the elevator dripping wet, holding a towel and wearing only a bath robe.
As the elevator is going up, jump violently up and down, shouting "Down! I said down, dammit!"
Crouch in one corner and growl menacingly at everyone who gets on.
Try to get a game of "Twister" going.
Wrinkle your nose and smell the air repeatedly. Sniff at your neighbor suspiciously, give a disgusted frown, and take a step away

i felt that they were really quite funny loh..
some more den others..
i read the part about BURPING..
n the first people to come to my mind : ZHICHENG, GUOJUN and YUHAN..
hahaha..
(just realised not long ago yuhan's on the same level as gjun and xxy..)haha..
den i screened through the whole thing..
n i realised..
all the things..
i can actually imagine s26 ppl doing them..speaking of which..
KELVIN, REUBEN AND GUOJUN!!!
WHERE IS OUR CLASS VIDEO???
haha..
sigh..
i go do the stupid essay..
den slp a while before going to do my clubroom duty le..
:P

head start..

2005-10-03T11:41:00.000+08:00

i nd to start studying!!
y m i procrastinating???
OMG..
in typing blog..
i m also tryin to escape..
stupid..
i dun hate studying..
i dun dislike studying..
but i cant stand exams!!!
n yet..
if not for exams..
it would b rare that i will take my notes and study them..
what irony..
i m doing what i like so tt i can do what i dun like..
nonsensical..
but den again..
when do i ever make any sense..??
i NEED to get a head start..
but in my case..
a butt start is better..
i mean..
getting a head now is too late..
since the test is tml..
so mayb a butt is better..
in tt case..
might as well just get a butt end???
might be much easier..
instead of a head start get a butt end..
hey!
i noe!
get a cigarette butt's end!
sigh..
if onli i were tt good at crapping in my test..
den mayb i wun hv to study..
CRAP..
i am really just wasting my time..
BUT i love it..
sigh..
my ke lian de time..

meAniNgs..

2005-10-03T11:23:00.000+08:00

been having lots of senseless dreams lately..
dreams..
and nightmares..
i lost one side of each of my 2 pairs of socks..
so now..
i hv two socks of different designs..
a pair..
but different designs..
dreamt that i found them..
in a shopping centre..
actually..
yesterday's dream felt familiar..
at least..
the shopping centre in which it took place seemed familiar somehow..
i NOE i hv dreamt it b4..
it's weird izzint it..?
of how certain dreams kp recurring..
they say that dreams reflects what we want..
that our thoughts are also translated into our dreams..
what i want..
i want a complete pair of socks..
make tt 2 complete sets..
i'm v greedy..
haha..
dreams..
ideals..
how do we tell them apart..?
when we r dreaming..
how do we wake ourselves up..?
none of that pinch urself awake crap..
i've tried it..
yes..
in my dreams..
i tried pinchin myself to see if it hurts..
but as in a dream..
everything seem real..
even thou there was no pain..
but my brain registered it..
n lied to me..
and it onli served to confirm that my dream was reality..
so y did my brain lie to me...?
to protect my sanity..?
from what..?
life is so mysterious..
and i m kind of glad it's this way..
i mean..
otherwise, there wun be fun in thinkin stuff thru le..
hahaha..

side note..
yong's getting her prelim results back le..
haha..
kinda worried for her..
but i noe she will score well de!!
i mean..
she's my sister loh..
though my As wasn't as spectacular..
i like to think my Os was really quite spectac..
hahaha..
so..
being my sis..
she'll do well de..
hehe..
yong ar..
dun worry k?
hehe..

one more thing..

2005-10-01T17:38:00.000+08:00

haha..
just wanted to say..
now i am beginning to wish that i actually have a roommate..
lol..
budden again..
hmmm..
even if she's living 5 doors away..she's still considered roommate rite?
hahaha..
wetwet..
lol..
so fun!!!!

heheZ..15 ways..

2005-10-01T17:27:00.000+08:00

anyway,
here's something from my sister's blog which i found totally hilarious..
haha..
it nearly killed me and qiujuan while we were reading it..
maybe it isn't THAT funny..
but try reading it during norbert lemming's lecture..
and tryin to suppress your laughter..
under the disapproving gaze of andy..
and the occassional glance from wenyan and yuhan..and suddenly..
the level of "hilarious-ity" increases to a new height..
hahaha..

15 ways to confuse your roomate.

1. Sit up. Say, "time to make the donuts." Leave. Do this often.
2. Every five minutes, get up, open the door, peek out, close the door and look relieved.
3. Express an extreme fear of sunlight. Move away from and flinch at areas of the room that are sunny.
4. Pick up the phone every five minutes and say, "hello." Look confused and hang up.
5. Unwrap a candy bar. Eat the wrapper and throw the chocolate away.
6. When listening to the radio, sing along with different lyrics and a different tune.
7. Address your roommate by a different name every time you talk to him or her
8. Constantly drink from an empty glass.
9. Every time you handle something of your roommate's, use a tissue or gloves.
10. While unlocking your door with the key, complain that the engine won't start.
11. Name your animal crackers. Mourn for them after you eat them.
12. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.
13. Try to make meals using your roommate's electric blanket.
14. Put black tape over the eyes of the people in your roommate's pictures. Complain that they were staring at you.
15. Everytime your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, wake him or her up and say, "it's time to go to bed now."

sigh..

2005-10-01T17:24:00.000+08:00

another day almost gone..
n i hv not started yet..
watching hbo..
eating crackers..
surfing net..
hopeless..
i cant be so idle!!!
40 percent CA..
OMG..
still..
AHHHH!!!
haha..
hmmm..i wanted to write smt de..
but i forgot..
oh well..
will write in if i remember ba..
hahahaha..

procrastiNations..

2005-09-29T00:51:00.000+08:00

i m so bored..
dunwan to start catchin up on studies..
smts i think..
y study so hard?
i mean..
seriously..
r grades really going to be useful??
and s ends another day tt i successfully wasted away..
beginning to think i m some kind of rotting fruit..
sitting there n wasting away..
the worst?
i cant find the strength to pick up and catch up..
bleahZ..

incessant scolding!

2005-09-27T23:58:00.000+08:00

i m going nuts..
N.U.T.S.
someone pls call IMH for me..
it's the most appropriate place for me to stay..
i tot that all the scoldings would diminish as i moved to hostel..
i tot everything would be fine..
how was i to know..?
tt i would still be subjected to all her scoldings..?
regardless how far i may run..
no matter where i may hide..
i will still be found..
i will still be scolded..
i will still be put into her mental image of me..
n with her words,
i will be shaped into the someone she imagined me to be..
but she was not how i remembered her..
she isn't how i remembered her..
the mother i knew..
was the one holding the umbrella, piggy-backing my sis and holding my hands as we walked..
the mother i knew..
was the one who would russle my hair as i lay my head on her laps..
the mother i knew..
was a beautiful woman who would always smile and crap ard..
the mother i knew..
always listened..
always protected..
always wrapped me with all her love..
but now..
she would scold at the slightest comment..
hurl hurting words even at the smallest event..
i dun understand..
aft the whole thing,
it will always be me who will take the first step..
even though she might be in the wrong..
yes..
sometimes, she would call and rectify the whole issue..
but it is really rare..
really rare..
but den again..
so what if she called to rectify..?
it's like stabbing a knife into a person's heart..
n den pulling it out and applying medicine on the wound..
but there will be a scar..
and it will really hurt..
once..twice..thrice..it's okie..
but when the stabbing and the healing process becomes more n more frequent,
one cant help but start to think..
will there ever b an end..
i m starting to give up on this tot..
but i dunwan to hv to give up..
i noe my mum still loves me..
just tt she expresses herself in the wrong way..
and tt just because she doesn't love me in the fashion i wan her to, it doesn't mean tt she doesn't love me with all her heart..
i hv to keep on blivin..
tt one day..
the gentle mother will be back..
i hv to bliv..becoz rite now..
other than God..
hope is all i have..
and perhaps my sis..
who will understand the pain of havin to endure my mom's incessant scoldings..
i have to hand up all worries to God..
and sit firmly on the chair of faith..
for faith..is the onli thing other than hope tt will be able to soothe my soul..
sigh..
i noe tt if i look back at the sand upon which i walked,
there'll onli be one set of footprints..
but this set of footprints will not belong to me..
it;ll belong to God..
because God will be leading me through my ordeals..
be it my hurt..my confusion n dilemma..or my worries or studies..
he'll b there..
n he's all i ask for..

M.I.S.E.R.Y.

2005-09-19T23:41:00.000+08:00

misery..
spelled M.I.S.E.R.Y...
has taken root in my heart..
first..
God let me taste sweetness..
n den he took it away..
n replaced it with bitterness..
i always tot that if one party were to retreat..
i would feel a lot more better..
but i care too much..
i..
care too much..
n yet..
all i get..
hours of ignoring..
disregard for my presence..
how m i to tackle that?
i m an "I" person..
afraid of rejection..
n all i get is that??
n i tot i was understood by that person of all ppl..
i tot there was a common understanding that God will always be there..
y choose to throw me into the fiery pits of hell now?
y me?
that person is emotional..
so what..
i m emotional too!
n much more emotional..
MUCH MORE..
but i guess..
i m just not impt enuf..
insignificant..
this whole thing stem from what?
smt stupid..
i m misunderstood..was and AM still misunderstood..
the funniest thing?
i m not given a chance to explain myself..
suddenly the whole world seems to be on my shoulders..
but i m just a little girl..
n i cant take it..
not anymore..
not with that person..
i cant..
coz i care..
too much..
just..
kill me..

HELP

2005-09-07T00:34:00.000+08:00

distress call..
i duno me anymore..!!!
ARGH
when i m here, i wan to be here..
but when there comes to me, i wan to be there..
but when i m there, i think abt being here..
when i m here, i wonder whether it's rite for me to be here..
when i m there, i cant help but feel tt it's all wrong..
when i m here, i worry tt i cant stay here for long..
when i m there, i worry i will be chased away from there soon..
so shld i be here or there?
there or here?
here or there?
is being here better?
or being there better?
i can onli choose either being here or being there..
coz i duno how to split myself into two to go here and there at the same time..
y do i hv to choose?
can someone else do the choosing for me?
it's so frustrating!
here or there?
there or here?
or shld i just stay put n go nowhere?
mayb tt's the best.
but i wun get things done tt way.
suddenly i feel fear..
suddenly the walls seem to be closing in..
suddenly i feel all enclosed..
suddenly..
i feel lost..
n fear grips my heart..
i m all alone..
n i need God to help..
but how m i to noe his voice..
how can i recognise his works n wishes..
suddenly..
i feel like the lost sheep..
waiting for its shepherd..
God..
HELP..

lyrics~

2005-09-02T13:27:00.000+08:00

8th World Wonder

Woke up early this morning
Made my coffee like I always do
Then it hit me from nowhere
Everything I feel about me and you
The way you kiss me crazy
Baby you're so amazing

Seven days and seven nights of thunder
The water's rising and I'm slipping under
I think I fell in love with the 8th world wonder

I guess that I'm just falling
Deeper into something I've never known (yeah)
But the way that I'm feeling
Makes me realize that it can't be wrong
You're love's like a summer rain
Washing my doubts away

Seven days and seven nights of thunder
The waters rising and I'm slipping under
I think I fell in love with the 8th world wonder

It's only been a week but
It's coming over me.
It's making me believe that
You're the one for me

Seven days and seven nights of thunder
The water's rising and I'm slipping under
I think I fell in love with the 8th world wonder

Seven days and seven nights of thunder
The waters rising and I'm slipping under
I think I fell in love with the 8th world wonder

Seven days and seven nights of thunder
The water's rising and I'm slipping under
I think I fell in love with the 8th world wonder

Seven days and seven nights of thunder
The water's rising and I'm...
I think I fell in love with the 8th world wonder

haha..
i nothin to do..so post lyrics loh..
lol..
got to zao to lect liao..
tata~
muahahaha..

UpdatEs

2005-09-02T02:49:00.000+08:00

it's been a long while le..
haha..
n lots has happened..
well..
for one,
i'm in 26th scmc le..
haha..
so fun~
honorary treasurer~
muahaha..
but internal elections was really tryin..really tiring..
everyday ends in the morn ard 4..
plus we chit chat..
den got to slp almost every 6 or 7 am for the past 3 mornings..
n elections' been startin at 6, 7 or 8 pm loh..
haha..
so now i panda liao..
but it was a new experience mah..
so still v fun..
haha..
thou now..
i m really feeling tired..
hahaha..
plus i m laggin in more than 10 lectures notes..
haha..
coz i was too tired to go lectures..
so silly rite..
hahaha..
sigh..
but really,
lots been happening..
i cant say much..
but i really feel happy..
thou..haha..
every happiness has its own heartache..
lol..
sounds like jia1 jia1 you3 ben3 nan2 nian4 de4 jing1..
haha..
but really..
sigh..
haha..

sigH..

2005-08-19T00:36:00.000+08:00

stupid loh..
i went sauna today..
den took a bath all too soon..
in the end..
i got all dizzy n nauseous..
n felt v bad all the way till now..
hahha..
so ben de!!
den i even managed to poke the stapler bullet into my finger..
so PAIN!!
stupid..
haha..
but i guess i shld b thankful tt at the very least,
i now noe tt my pain transmitters r workin absolutely fine..
hahaha..
eating chocolates releases one's endorphins n gives them the feeling of fallin in love~
so eat more chocs~!!!

eh..

2005-08-18T02:32:00.000+08:00

cadbury..?
CADBURY??
time out???
half time??
WHAT???
HOW..??
SIGH..
qiujuan..
hahahaha..
stupid..

SIGH..
anyway.. i just finished my cleaning up of the hostel..
bleahZ..
n it's like 2.33 am now..
so stupid..
but finally my wires n stuff r settled..
haha..
left onli the packin..
n decorations~
muahaha..
it's startin to goin to look like home..
hehe..
so fun..

CADBURY!!!!
QIUJUAN!!!
hahaha..
sigh..
ben si le..
i still got to copy notes..
bleah..

evEry daY is a nEw dAy..

2005-08-13T18:33:00.000+08:00

hmmMm..
been so long since i last updated..
SOW began on 28 july and ended on 6 august..
but it had..n always will hv a most resounding impact in many of our lives~
SOW rules!!
hehe..
i'm already missing the comm ppl le..sigh..
had many fun things during SOW..
between Shutter..Fright Nite..Troy..Infernal Affairs..Talent Nite..SP dinner..Oscar Awards..even the missed Sentosa day..
everything was perfect in its own way~
haha..
Shutter included lots of gossiping between me n Sean..since we r both station masters..
n i got first hand news on everything~haha..
all i can say is..SO SWEET!!!
Fright Nite - i was in charge of makeup for some locations tt day..
overall was ok..personal favourite was the beard..n hot favourite was yuhan's scar..
haha..imagine my swelling ego when he said i was v gd..
peng..
hahaha..
but i think i could hv done better.. ;P
one of the highlights of the day..
was the getting of the bike for weetong ba..
haha..
his response was super silly..
aft these two events on friday..there was FIC on monday and Flag on tues..
so for these 2 days.. we were pretty much busy with the logistics n stuff..
the bonding between comm ppl got pretty strong..
n GOSSIPY of coz..seein as how the comm is made up of mostly girls..
haha..
Wednesday saw the beginning of interhse games-balloon stepping n hse cheering..
but weetong's karma wasnt gd enuf..n when War of the Worlds was to b played..it started raining..
haha..so we had a wonderful fun session of cheering..
tt nite saw the start if infernal affairs..
hahaha..
tt one was v fun..
esp for the comm ppl..hu role played as ah lians ah bengs n police..
haha..
for the gangsters side..
our language was honed by na-jie..
actions fine-tuned by na-jie as well..
our role introduction play was v cute..
hehe..
with alan-ge hugging ah juan n ah li..
with ah ween n ah joyce snatching him..
with ah xin n ah jo lookin pretty..
with ah steph n ah yan lookin quarrelsome..
n the announcement of na-jie's arrival by ah rong..
n na-jie sauntering in..with my supposed "ignorance"of her presence n continuation of my fawning over alan-ge..
n na-jie's pushing me aside n slapping alan-ge n leadin him away by the ear..
everyone of the ang hor tiap (red butterfly) lookin v scared n respectful of na-jie..
haha..
hmmmm..
oh ya..
during the de-brief..kaixin said tt she heard ppl sayin tt i look the most lian..
-_-||
clarification pt no. 1: i m not a lian..
clarification pt no. 2: i m really not a lian..
clarification pt no. 3: i m really really not lian!!!
oh well..
Thursday was supposed to b Sentosa day..
but it started raining..
n the balloons we prepared for 300 ppl was used up by us (ard 15 ppl)..
super funny..
all of us became chickens fallin into the soup~lalala..
so fun!!!
Sentosa was beautiful in the rain..
the mist n everything..
well..all's well dat ends well..
Friday came..
prepared for talent nite..n for SP dinner..
missed some of talent nite..
n most of oscar awards..
for oscar awards..
when i first went in..
i was overwhelmed by the crowd's presence n emotions..
they were all singin wonderfully loud n swayin in time to the music..
within mins..
i felt tears swellin up..
but the nx moment..
everyone started grinnin at each other..
n my tears choked back..
n we started being silly..
after the whole thing ended..
i cleaned up most of the lt..
n den i went out to cry..
i think the tension got to me..
n i seriously tot tt juan was changin into someone i din noe..
i got scared..
i din wan to lose a fren..n definitely not juan..
so i cried.
joyce came out aft me..
n she started tearing too..
for reasons i shall not divulge..
den shishi came out..
n with her "tryin" to cry along with us..
i stopped..
n in the end..
by the time steph came out..
we were playin a stupid game with the floor tiles..
Saturday..RAG day..
the mood was super high..
the turnout fantastic..
we started mambo-in n daylight clubbing..
we started singin along n cheering..
in the end..
we won the chancellor's shield..
so good!!
but i vomitted..n accidentally opened the toilet door to see someone still usin it..
imagine the embarrasement..
haha..
sigh..
during the whole week..
i've been avoidin juan..
n i think she was avoidin me..
it got quite awkward..
i couldn't take it..
n i remembered juan n i once agreed tt we wun hide anything from each other..
so i talked to her abt my feelings..
in the end..
it turns out she tot i was becomin a workaholic..
haha..
tt's y she avoided me..
as for my case..
mayb i was too sensitive ba..
haha..
so now everything's ok again le..
lala..
now i'm living in kfh again..
this time round..
wet wet is also here..
along with frances n harkkah~
haha..
n i m the acting clock for wet wet..
lol..
hmmm..
i go eat le..
being bloggin for 1/2 hr liao..
cheerios n ciao~!!!
|HUgZ|

long evening..

2005-07-27T02:06:00.000+08:00

i m in sci club now again..
lots of happenings..
makin it a long day..
here onli got weetong n me left..
waitin for wet2 to come back..
sigh..
really quite worried..
in the aftnoon i went home..
was quite tired n wanted to stay home to koon..
but wet2 say she alone in sci club..
so i came down in a cab asap..
sigh..
n everything began..
wat m i to say..?
how m i to say..?
complicated is the word..
sadness is the expression..
worry is the dominant factor..
n everything is just..sigh..indescribable..
well..
the nite proceeded..
with a slight improvement in things..
brought wet2 to kfh to bathe..
n boss weetong to wash his/our clothes..
den i saw a lizard on my pillow..
n started shooin it off..
once it jumped..
n i just jumped behind my frens..
haha..
i cannot tahan lizards..
at least cockroaches can b smacked..
but lizards..???
in the end i sprayed half a can of mosquito spray on tt fellow..
n it died a terrible death..
n my room was n IS STILL reeking of tt horrible smell..
i think i tio poisonin too..
coz i was in there the whole time..haha..
forgot to leave the room..
bleahZ..
aft tt..
wet2 kept laffin at how much i sprayed..
n at how i will kp the flies off my room n 2 rooms across..
n some of my worries lifted..
momentarily..
oh ya..
n we DID gossip abt boss' n his gf's stuff..
how they got tgt despite all the competitors he had..
lol..
back to sci rm..
wet2 wanted to go on a search..
n she wun let me along..
so now she's out there..
n my worries multifold..
i m feeling real tired..
but i cant just go slp..
sigh..
earlier on..
really felt like huggin her n cry..
budden..
it wun help anyone..
n now i think..
was it wrong..?
to kp shiftin the topic to happier things so tt sad stuff will b avoided..
n tears will b left unshed..?
i duno..
all i noe..
wats done's already done..
no use cryin over spilled milk..
but i m still worried..BIG time..
n she's still not back yet..
sigh..

...

2005-07-23T00:46:00.000+08:00

i m really feelin upset..
n all i can do..
is to cry into the pillow hopin it will muffle my cries..
i cant take it anymore..
i cant..
i really cant..
pls..
just take me away..
somewhere far away from this place..
away from all my problems n troubles..
remove my hurt..
remove my pain..
let me rest..
let me seek comfort..
i cant..
i cant take it any longer..
pls..
pls . . .
let me seek the comfort i nd so badly..
pls..
i cant..
not on my own..
i cant take it any longer..
i..
i cant..

timE fliEs

2005-07-22T13:35:00.000+08:00

haha..
time really flew..
i mean.. last nite i was still tryin to revamp my blog..
which as of now this project is still PENDING..
den today i m cleanin up hostel yet again..
hahaha..
sigh..
finally abt to clean finish le..
then now i wan to think of how to deco the rm..
so fun!!!
hehe..
i wan to put the cloth..
just like those jap kind..
b4 u enter u will encounter them de..
but i went to ask..
n the person in charge say cannot put outside..
so i shall device a way to put it up from within..
hopefully this project 101 will b a success~
lala..
so happy~!!!
back to my cleanin again le~

happEninGS..

2005-07-15T03:47:00.000+08:00

been a long time since i last updated..
dun even nmoe where exactly i left off..
but den..
haha..
anyway..
lots of updates le ba..
lots of things goin on..
went to stayover at sch..
helped out at rag..den had SOW meeting..
den..
the unimaginable happened..
i fell..
hahaha..
while crossing a zebra crossing..
dumb..
anyway..
i sprained my ankle..
ya..
now i finally noe the meanin of a sprain..
apparently wat i tot i always had was a hoax..
haha..
still..it was a big commotion..
i mean..
first there was the excruciatin pain i felt..
thou i think i m really silly..coz i literally started to roll on the floor (so much so tt the SOW ppl were sayin they tot i hit my head..esp when i started laffin..hahaha..)
n agitated my foot with every roll i made..n addin to the pain i felt..
haha.. n den.. of coz..
the campus security car came by..
den noted down my particulars..name n matric no n all..
haha..
anyway..
i was sent to NUH by the campus security car..with qiujuan, sheena n zirong in the car..
den i got to sit on this children's wheelchair!!
den took a cab to the chinese physician to get my ankle in the right condition again..haha..
the whole chinese mtd of rubbin my ankle was a killer..
n every step i took was really quite painful..
but hey..i noe aftwards ppl were amused by this incident..
so in an indirect way..i brought laffter to their otherwise monotonous life..haha..
aft dinner at clementi..
we came back for rag..
n i m proud to say tt the lt24 prep rm is gettin to look more n more like our home le..
haha..
we gossiped lots at nite..
i accidently slept at 430..n woke up at 11..effectively pushin my average slp per day for the past 3 weeks to ard 3.5 hrs..
haha..
anyway..today went ktv with kaixin, juan, steph n yingyan~haha..it was crazy n super high..in the end we were actually shoutin into our mics..haha..so fun..n we started shoutin the song "tuo diao" to our frens over the phones..
haha..
the ktv session started at 3 plus..den ended at 745 for us..
den they left..
n i joined another session with shishi, terence n xiao junwei..
at the same place..
haha..
with them..
it was more of amusement fun n silly jokes n silly actions n "bullyin" actions..
haha..oso super funny..
esp now tt i noe shishi's voice is so de ke ai de..
haha..
n erm..i did amt stupid..from the beginnin i kept telling my frens i tot the remote control was my wallet..this was true even with steph them..
i really tot so..
so in the end..while we were abt to leave the room with shishi ter n jw,
i told myself mentally the control wasn't my wallet..
n the nx thing i knew..i walked out of the area..
n discovered i still had the remote control with me thinking tt it was my wallet..
hahahaaha..
yaya..
actually i did it on purpose..
to entertain others..hahaha..i so wei3 da4..
aft tt..wenyan came down n drove us to foong seng to eat..aft which shishi got tummyache..
so we came back..
n now..
i m waitin to wake shishi up..
coz she asked me to wake her up in half hour time to see if she is better..
but i decided to forgo the idea..
coz i wanted her to rest more..
bleahZ..
think i shld go rest soon..
s bit pathetic lar me..
no one to tok to me now..haha..wenyan is doin his i-week stuff..
terence n x.junwei is kooning..
n they r the non-disturbable kind..
so..
haha..
there's a reason y i can type so much now u noe..
hahaha..
okie..
nites..

rAg n flAg cAmp..

2005-06-30T01:22:00.000+08:00

i'm in the sci club rm now..
everyone ard me is aslp..
frances..xiao junwei.. weetong..terence..
all cept me..
n eileen went to check out the mood of lt 23..
haha..
n so i m here..
n i start to think of weird weird things..
songs to b exact..
one song in particular..
which my cousin victor taught..
early in the mornin six o'clock..
victor in the toilet shuay de kor..
shuay de kor ah shuay de kor ah..
victor in the toilet shuay de kor..
lol..
direct translation meanin washin underwear in the toilet..
haha..
so amusing..
blEAHZ..
i m seriously just tryin to entertain myself while everyone's koon-in..
so pathetic..?
nope..think again..
i discovered tt i actually hv a knack for kpin myself awake n entertaining myself~haha..
tata..eileen's back..hehe..entertain someone else..
lol..

tots..

2005-06-28T21:19:00.000+08:00

SCAMP's over le..n i m no longer labelled as a crasher le..
lol..
but SCAMP was fun..haha..did cheers..n games..n icebreakers..got to noe many ppl..n c many happenings..n experience funny incidents..
oh ya..
n my first clubbing experience..
but it was not much of a clubbin experience..
seein as how i stayed with the og n played hua hu die, du xie zi, mao mao chong + black n white sesame..
hmmm..
twinkle twinkle little star..
how i wonder wat u r..
up abv the sky so high..
like a diamond in the sky..
twinkle twinkle little star..
how i wonder wat u r..
it is weird..izzint it..?
of how sometimes we lose contact with ppl..
of how we forget things..
relationships r tt fragile..
so must treasure them whilst they r still here..
=P

b00

2005-06-15T01:21:00.000+08:00

i'm at sci club room now..stayin over again..
specs broke today..super cmi,,haha..
let me tell u the whole story..
had a camp on monday..games n stuff (v fun) n tryin to improve them..
had a game of captain's ball in the afternoon..
den had a bath..n ate..den had a recce for the fright nite..
den we had a debrief...n went to watch i do i do n white noise..
oh ya..n between the few of us..we created a silly racket..
of tryin to see hu is awake n hu's not..haha..
n i realised a few funny things abt the ppl slpin nearby..
first..
yingyan is kick-proof when she's slping..
(oh ya..which reminds me..juan reminded me..tt kel is slap-proof when slpin..)
kaixin is fidgety..kpin waking up n sitting up..i noe coz i'm the same..
terence is ticklish n super attackable..
juan..eh..ya..she's the worst..
the ultimate worst..
she can actually wake me up to go out with her so tt she can clear her nose..
guess wat..it's mornin..it's the BRIGHT mornin..haha..cant blame her..
it's white noise's fault..
lol..
den the worst thing came..the worst..
as in..we went back to slp..
but i couldn't slp..n then..dat was when i saw the ghosts streamin in..
n i quickly shut my eyes..
lol..
until the lights came on n i realised the ghosts are ppl..
n then..
the ultimate stupidity occur..
me n juan slept at the bottom of the steps..
terence horizontally abv us..n yingyan to my left..
the prc girl in order to avoid steppin on us decided to use the chair as a step..
n guess wat..ya...
MY SPECS!!!
wth..anyway..
lookin on the bright side~
hehe..
it means i get to hv a new pair of specs~muahahaha..hehe..
anyway..today came back to do the snake..v fun..so now..
i got to go..update soon..ya..
i noe..still got smt called the ying bao sheng ming li..

IMPT

2005-06-13T03:19:00.000+08:00

one really impt thing..
here..
i wan to extend my most sincere heartfelt thanks to sam..
n i m serious..
BIG BIG thanx to sam!!
haha..for callin me tt nite n askin me to the course..
it's been a wild ride..a wonderful course..worth every bit..haha..
coz ppl like me start from the bottom..so i benefitted perhaps more than sam or jiwei will gain from the course..
n of coz..to jiwei..(hu mite/mite not read my blog for so many weird reasons)..
BIG BIG thanx too~imagine where i'll b if jiwei din go ka jiao sam..
lol..
hmMMm..since i m at it..mite as well thank the rest as well..
haohan~for havin the same surname as me n sharin plus kpo-in/gossipin so much~
xinwei~for being one to tio lamed by my unlame jokes~
wendy~for being the sweetest girl with the sweetest lips~
zhongyi~for being one to enlarge his eyes every so often~
yongsyhang~for being 16 n yet so gentleman in many ways n for the cab n mirror~
yongzhi~for the abv n for lookin out for me in so many ways(for the cab n mirror too of coz)~
jiwei~for the abv n for checkin out my progress n makin sure i really knew wat was goin on~

theres so many ppl i wan to mention n remember..but i goin to slp le..
soon..
all the juicy details shall spill onto these pages the way my happiness will spill into ur lives~
haha..
the ultimate ween..
lol..
better be ready for her..
hahahahaha~
i m sooOOOoo ke ai wor..
cant believe it..i m getting all mushied inside by this..muack to myself~
nope~u peeps dun get a kiss...
not until i hv HUGged u all enuf!!!!
HUGSsS~!!!!!

10/6 , 11/6 , 12/6

2005-06-13T02:59:00.000+08:00

these three days..
these three days in my life..
these three days..
one of the most dramatic and exciting experiences of my life..
thou my life is till at its beginning~(i s0000 y0ung!!) haha..
if i ever had to chance to refresh this course..
or take others..i will..
really v..inspiring..
i have had so many..SOO many experiences..
which i wan to write down n really remember..
the euphoria..the ecstasy..
now i feel like i've been drinkin lots of alcohol..
coz i v high now..(course endin was seriously scaringly high..) and i oso lack of slp..
haha..
if u guys noe me..slp-lackin ween = crazy ween..
lol..thus i super ultimate high state..
think my body is simply too excellent..it's actually able to interpret my "high-ness" as being DRUNK or INTOXICATED WITH DRUGS..haha..
i tio blur visions, dizzy spells n lips on fire..plus i cant think straight..
haha..
cannot..i super high..haha..duno y i here bloggin when i shld b enjoyin myself..lol.
but these days really v happy..
anyway..i shall go slp..
but seriouslyy..
i m goin to put it down in my memory..either by pen n paper or in this blog or half pen-paper half blog..I WILL!!
haha~tml still got camp..super tired..tues come out den work on tues nite..den wed meetin at nus in mornin den w juan in afternoon den work at nite..haha..hectic life..V fun~~
cannot le...nite~~!!

love n hugs n ultimate kisses..
ween~

reSultS..

2005-06-03T01:13:00.000+08:00

got my results today..haha..
guess it's was away from my expectations..
hahaha..
at least i din do as badly as i tot i would..
lol..but i think there was one subject i was quite upset with..hahaha..
anyway..this sem's officially over..
n the next one's in august..
so..
the worst is over..n wat is to come will def be good~
hahaha..
been watchin the tsubasa chronicles..
haha..recommended by yx..
super nice!!
hahaha..i'm drownin in it..AGAIN..lol..

wth..

2005-05-31T03:33:00.000+08:00

wth..since siowween is on the loose..(see previous entry) mite as well..
today gave juan bigbig surprise.i think..haha..
been foolin her the whole day..or 2 days le..
asked her to pei me meet a fren i hv nv met for 2 yrs..den meeting andre jon n nel at marina bay station n callin her to kajiao her abt jon..
den luring her to orchard n started feeding her stories abt that fren of mine n runnin into the toilets every now n then to start smsin furiously..changing andre's name to that fren of mine..n waitin till yilin ivy n qilin reached marina bay before settin off to marina bay with her..
the whole time i had to b happy n excited..n answer all her qns regarding my fren..haha..
but she was really kept in the dark..n din suspect anythin..so..imagine her surprise when she saw andre jon zb nel qinli ivy n yilin at the open area..haha..success..she liked the present too..hopefully..haha..den we went bowling..sigh..sorry gj reuben kelv n choonpeng..i din do as well le..hahah..83 n 82..hahaha..anyway..joshua reached..n soon..ivy stella wil brought in the cake with the sparkles..n juan was pleasantly surprised..haha..nd to thank everyone sia..without all of ur help..haha..it wouldn't hv been a success..muahahaha..think ivy andre even had lots of headaches..of coz..hahaha..think i bugged zb abt the whole thing too..hmmm..i think pretty much everyone v kelian..seeing as how they had to wait for us n try to fly the kite..lol..
we had steamboat..den tried to walked to the mrt..n miraculously got lost..n went back to the original place..den finally made our way to the mrt station n finally back home.. wat happens next..well..the quarrel..haha..mum wars episode 3..lol..yup..ween's back..hahaha..i think i better go slp..hahahaha..

let me just die

2005-05-31T03:10:00.000+08:00

let me just die..i m really tired..i m really tired..i dunwan to live anymore..let me just die..
wat m i supposed to do when i saw her cry..?
i was really heartbroken..really heartbroken..
y is it that after all this time..
things havent changed?
y is it that after all this time..
i still care..?
i shld hv stopped caring as much that time i resolved to distance myself from this family..
but y is it that time after time, i allow myself to slip back into my old ways..n care for this family more n more..? y is it that i still allow myself to get hurt..?
i shld nv have come into this world..NEVER..
when i was young..whenever i made my mum angry..she would always say.."i wish i had never given birth to u..i wish i had nv taken u with me into this family..i wish i had left u with ur father..i wish i nv met ur father n nv had u..i wish u weren't so alike to ur father.."these words..embedded in me..n accompanied me as i grew up..sometimes i really wonder whether i m even normal or not..i wonder..whether i had been affected adversely becoz of my distorted childhood..i still duno the answer..but i seriously think i mite b..n this is not a joke..
u noe..there was an old folklore..where ppl believed that whatever a mother feels during her pregnancy..her child will experience it..her child will noe..so..is that y i m so different from my sis..?i..being the more sensitive one..n when things hit me..instead of lashin out at ppl..i choose to cry in a corner..n cry till i can get knocked out..hyperventilate..n my sis..she chooses to lashes out at ppl..n do everything in a different way dat i will choose to..
my mum always says that she loves us both equally..but i hv never felt this way..i noe it is wrong of me to ask for more..since..she already gave me a family i will never have if without her..she gave me a chance to study..which i will not hv had if i chose to remain with my father..but still..i wanted to be perfect for her..i wanted to..i cared..so much..
but with her..i always felt that i had to work for her love..i had to achieve..so that she will love me..i had to be perfect for her..so that she wun regret keepin me by her side when she remarried..so that she wun regret having me as her daughter..which is y..i wanted good results..to let my mum n my dad b proud of me as their daughter..so that i can b worthy..
but it is never enuf..it will never b enuf..i will always be the daughter she wishes she nv had..the daughter whose very presence is an abomination to her family..the daughter..whom she wishes nv to have existed..
y do i work so hard for her love..?i can just heck everything..i really wish i could..but this is the one part no one will ever understand..i cant heck everything..i cant..ppl mite think that i try too hard to be goody two shoes n all..but..i really dun hafta try..coz i m..in a silly sort of way..i like to see the smiles on ppl's face..i like to see happy endings in ppls' lives..when they r happy..i will b goofy-happy..the one thing i cannot stand..is to see ppl cry..or disappointed..which is y i try so hard to please ppl..becos when others r sad..the one hu cries more will always be me..perhaps i wasnt like this in e beginning..i definitely am not like this to begin with..no one would be born like this..but it's been so long..n i hv forgotten what i m truly like..n this is a bad thing..becoz i care so much..i care even more abt my mum..much more..becoz..i m really grateful to her for givin me the life i nv had..so..i just wan her to b proud of me..i wan her to b happy..n enjoy her life..i wan her..to love me as her daughter..n to wan me to stay by her side..coz i really do love her..i really do..i hv done so much for her..so much..even then..she still wanted me dead..even if it meant she had to die with me..which is y she wanted to take me to the building n jump off..
everythin she wans..i hv always accomplished it..even if i hv to live with fear..i will..my present-paternal grandparents hv nv acknowledged me as their granddaughter..since i m not related to them..so..when i was young..they used to verbally abused n physically abused me..to me..they r one of my greatest fears of all times..but my mum asked me to b nice to them..to welcome them..week aft week..to my place for lunch..n i did jux that..everytime i go near them..i fear..not onli of them or of the memories..but also fear of the rejection which i so often had to face when i was young..i fear..but i had to plaster a smile on my face..n try to make them feel welcomed at my place..week aft week i would ask them to come back..mayb it sounds like nothin..but it really took me lots of guts..
y m i recallin all these now..?i just realised..that all these things n incidents mite hv been the reason behind which i m always so depressed..n moody..whenever i m alone..the reason behind which i dun trust in any love cept family love..n even that had to b worked for..oh ya.i dream..but it's a dream izzint it..?a dream where fairytales n sweetest love comes true..but everyone noes that there r no fairytales..n dreams r really just make-believe..
my mum..to her..it's almost always abt money..she would keep sayin that the car is hers..even thou my dad bought it for me..to her..she would keep tellin me that my sis n i shldn't expect to get a cent from her..even aft the 2 of them passed away..she would keep tellin me how a thrift she was when young..n how my sis n i would squander our stuff on meaningless stuff..she would keep tellin me how she was cheated of her money..n how she expects me to be cheated of my money..it's all about money..n this issue sparked off a whole meaningless argument..
i noe my mum..
when she is upset..she will always tune out whatever ppl say..unless the person happens to tok bad abt her..otherwise..she will imagine things..n words..that r not there..wat's worst..her vocabulary has nv been that good..n she keeps tryin to find substitutes for the words she dun understand.. n she often, if not always ends up with the wrong, n always in a bad context, word..no matter how i try to explain..or try to let her understand..she wun..she will continue in her line of thought..undisturbed..unless someone scolds her..den she will start cryin EVEN harder..if that's even possible..sort of like Newton's law izzint it...?an object will continue in a straight line motion unless acted upon by another force..HA HA HA..
n she ends off..this time round..with heartbreakin cries haunting my very soul..n she keeps repeating she wans me out of her life..saying that i m jealous of her being a hsewife at 47 n can go for facials..at that time..i was confused..how did our conservation take such a turn?me jealous of a 47 yr old hsewife..?PULEASE..a simple conversation..tellin her that my meetings at sch are not as useless as she says they r..or as mindless n unimpt as she tot they r..how did it evolve into me wanting her money, n jealous of her being a hsewife at 47 n goin facials..?if so..den shldn't i b jealous of my aunt instead..?seein as how she has all these at 30+..way before my mum started having these luxuries..
it broke my heart to see her cry..doesn't she see..?she hurts me as much as my maternal grandmother hurts her..so y is she inflicting all these pain n hurt on me when she noes jolly well how i will feel..?is this a curse or wat..?a curse on the maternal side of the family..?an unspoken rule/law that every mother in the line shall hurt her daughter?i dunwan it to be lidat!oh..ya..n guess wat..my grandmother's n mum's "feud" stems from one issue..MONEY..again..of coz..there r lots of other factors..involving all my uncles n aunts..totally confusing..y must money b everything..?i mean..true..we need money..but y let money b the center ard which our lives revolve..?y let everything b evaluated by means of money..?y is the value of a person evaluated by how he/she spends money..?aren't there other values worth treasuring..?aren't those a good enuf evaluation of a person's character..?i m so tired..i wanted to b a perfect granddaughter..a perfect daughter..but now..i m doubting my own value as a granddaughter n daughter..wat more to say of the perfect..i tried to be the oen siow ween they want to see..n i think i hv come very close to being the oen siow ween that they wanted..but the shadow of koh loke boon lingers n lurks still in their memories..n..that is y..i will nv become the person they wan to see n love..
but..honestly..i m thankful for this family..especially my dad..the dad i nv had..he returned late tonight..when he checked in on me..i just grabbed him n started crying like there's no tml..he hugged me tightly..sayanged my head..n suddenly my head started to spin..n everything seems to get better..i started to calm down..n the tears slowly tamed..even now as i write..the tears..thou still out of hurt..but now there's one more element..gratitude..n love..towards my dad..my dad..the most generous n smart n wonderful man in my life..my dad..the person i respect most..my dad..whom i wished i could hv been related to him by blood..becoz..i really love him..n i really wan to be his daughter..it would hv been the greatest honour..n i m thankful..grateful..for having him as my dad..
when i first started this entry..i was in a total wreck..i seriously wanted to die..even though i noe i shldn't hv even tot of it..since i m a christian n all..but at the beginnin of this entry..my mind seemed to be taken over..everything i saw was gloominess..n death death death..it keeps appearing in front of me..but now..i lost the guts..i dun wan to die..but i still feel like disappearing..haha..at least i wouldn't hv to deal with all these..
i guess..my wish..is for me to be accepted as who i m..to be loved..protected..n kept safe..by actions n by words..
if i could choose..i would choose to be innocent..unknowing of everything dat goes on ard me..oblivious to all the hurt n malicious feelings ard..all dat i would noe of..is love..warmth..promises..protected..cared for..ppl may say that this is ignorant..n it is bad..but is it really..?sometimes..if being ignorant means being able to lead a happy life..den..y not..?
if i could choose..i want to exist as some other entity..coz being the koh loke boon that i was n the oen siow ween that i m..i will onli be a nuisance to everyone ard me..wat i tot still stand true in today's context..i always say "i bring laffter into ur lives..so u all shld thank me.." but in actual fact..i din do anything..i was nv able to do anything..u all brought the laffter i had..i..was n m a disaster..someone..whose existance..not onli does not contribute for greater good..but brings abt a certain negativity to everyone's lives by leeching away the happiness u all would hv were it not for me..
i guess..this is in part the real me..the two extremes..one..the extremely happy n carefree n crazy girl u all see..the other..the dark, pessimistic, negative girl who's been portrayed well enuf in this blog..
if the happy, carefree crazy girl were to resurface now..i m guessing she would say.."come on..u r considered lucky..in fact..u r lucky..coz u have had a better life den wat many others havent..some ppl's stories r worst.."
but den again..i m still the dark pessimistic n negative girl right now..so..let's just leave it at that..
by the next time i'm in..i will hv "transformed" back le..
i need an ear..a shoulder..hahahaha..but i think i hv done enuf crying..hahaha..
sigh..i have a fever now..great..this is soooOOooo timely..ya..guess ween is coming back..?
unknowingly i hv typed for 2 hrs straight..n i hv forgotten what's written in this blog liao..ya..this means ween is back..lol..she can nv remember things that r too unhappy..lol..(eh..y m i speaking of myself in the third person..?)<--another evidence that ween is back..
someday..
someday i shall kick out my dark side..n live in the bright..hahaha..
sigh..

a fine dAy..enDing in diSapP0intMEnt..

2005-05-26T00:54:00.000+08:00

went for a bbq today..
at aranda country club..
with sci club ppl..
a bit awkward..but nonetheless still quite fun n got to mingle with ppl i otherwise mite not hv the chance to mingle with..
so..ya..
still fine..
oh..
n no one blived me when i said dat eatin 7up out of watermelon is tasty..
but it really is..
take it from someone who ate it aft a gruelling camp..
haha..
but the day ended in disappointment..
was goin to take juan for a steamboat on fri..
sort of a belated birthday celebration for her..since she couldn't make it on her own bd..
but alas..
maybe i was too anxious..
asked everyone way too early..
but..
y is this happenin..?
i mean..
a few is ok..
it's understandable..
but the whole lot of them..?
not 4..
not 6..
not 8..
but all 10 of them..?
sigh..
n i tot there would at least be 5..
i think i picked the wrong day..
n now..
when i looked back at wat juan did for my bd..
i really feel like such a bad fren..
wish tt the ground would open up n swallow me up..
sigh..
she was able to let me tear at the eyes..out of gratitude..
n out of happiness..
i guess i will b able to let her tear at the eyes too..
for having such a lousy fren as me..
i really feel so terrible n inadequate..
n u noe how it feels like to be inadequate..?
ask me..
i shld noe..
coz i m feeling it now..and to a very large degree..
n i hate feeling this way..

e m00n..

2005-05-23T23:03:00.000+08:00

just finished typing the stuff for i-week..
tml still gotta call ppl for sow..n also to do the proposals for marketing..
haha..busy..
hmmm..
n my face still haven recovered..
quite worried tt i will become disfigured..
haha..
sigh..
oh ya..
n i still haven HAVEN gotten out of the grounding period..
makes me wonder if i'll ever b out..
haha..
yaya..tio sort of grounded..
for buying facials..
lol..

sigh..
the moon was v beautiful tonite..
it was uncommonly bright today..
n casted no shadow across the clouds..
it just stood there in the sky..
shining as a beam of light emanating from the lighthouse would..
n providing a way by which lost travellers could find their way home..
i guess i m one of those lost travellers as well..
lost not in reality..but in a world of my own..
lost..n confused..n undecided..
i hate this side of me..but wat can i do..?
sometimes..it is not a person's nature tt determines hu he/she is..
sometimes..it's the ppl ard the person tt determines hu he/she can be n will be..
under those circumstances..unless he/she replace the ppl ard them..otherwise..no changes will be implemented..
i guess tt's true for me too..
in the past week..
i came up with a phrase..tt i think applies to me..smt which i think is very true..
life aint always a bed of roses..n i hv been seeing so many thorns lately..it makes me wonder where the roses r..

drastic change in mood.

2005-05-20T00:18:00.000+08:00

today went down to kpo the makings of og groupin..haha..the main body was out..so i oso duno wat i kpo-in..
lol..
went there n got myself a title of flower vase..sit ard n do nothin..hmmm..
so sad..i dun hv flower in my hua ping..
haha..coz juan nv go..lol..
sigh..

was quite amused at somethings..
i realised tt in life..we tend to make big circles..
some ppl get out of the circles they make..
while others get stuck in the circle..n keep goin nowhere..
this is really true..
n come to think of it..
i vaguely remember seeing an ant circling the new-water bottle today on the desk at lt 24 prep room..
it just keeps circling..totally obliviour abt its surroundings..
once i tot i saw it take a different route..
n i tot it was finally done circling..
but it proved me wrong..n went back to its circling..
kind of like a hamster on a wheel n a goldfish in its bowl..
sometimes i wonder..
why do we kp circling..
n if we noe we keep circling back to the same spot..
y bother to try..
n circle back to where u started..?
i think for my whole life till now..
i hv been doin nothin but circling..
n i m frankly quite tired of this lifestyle..
i really wan to implement change in my miserable life..
i really wan to lead a life..full of spunk n nothin but optimism..
i wan to hv a carefree life..n even if things tt r not pleasin come my way..i wan to b able to shrug n shake it off my shlders..
i mean..
life is short..
i shld enjoy while i can rite???
i duno wth i wan.
there's a drastic change in mood n i think it is totally horrible.

feelings..

2005-05-19T01:43:00.000+08:00

feeling v upset now..
feeling like a failure..
as if i so useless..so untrustable..so unreliable..
i hate to be affected by smt tt happened in the past..
someone else's actions puttin a certain restriction in my life..
y do i hv to undergo the consequences of someone else's actions..???
it doesn't make sense at all..
it's so..argh!!!
sigh..
doesn't matter doesn't matter..
i hv to calm down..
not good for my health..
n really..y shld i care abt whether i m trusted or not...???
but den again..
i guess i do care..
n dats y i m feelin so very ultimately insulted..
hahaha..
sigh..
i think i ok liao..
think..
haha..
aft complainin so much..i shldn't b "not ok"..
haha..
i guess..
i hv a new resolution..
haha..
to stop being so kpo..lol..
sometimes it's so hard to be me..
haha..
change this change that..
but i guess this happens to everyone..
small changes r always necessary..
but as long as i dun lose myself completely..
den..
mayb..
i will still be me ba..
haha..
SIGH..

i m watchin sailormoon now..n getting vege-brained(no such word-i made it up myself..) in the process..

thE ReAlitY 0f l0vE..

2005-05-17T17:43:00.000+08:00

juSt watched a show.."the reality of love"..
it's so sweet!!!!!!!
haha..
abt an actor n his manager n a reality tv show..
abt how a reality show "i want to marry ryan banks" was filmed..
the actor being ryan banks n the manager's name was todd..
abt how a girl(charlie)'s sis signed her up.how she was chosen..n how she was america's favourite..
the whole time she tot she was fallin in love with ryan..
but realised tt it was actually todd teachin ryan to do all those stuff n say all the witty things..
how todd n charlie tried to get charlie off the show..
but was later discovered by ryan..
n how ryan eventually..
between the last 2 remainin girls..rejected one..
n when it came to charlie..
he knelt down..
held her hand..
n asked her to marry his best fren todd!!!!!!!!
oh my god!!!
but it was a good ending..
since the ryan din really want to settle down n is a big flirt at heart..
hehe..
i m so smitten by romantic shows..
hmmmm..
i m s000 absolutely smitten~

Stars in the SkY

2005-05-16T23:58:00.000+08:00

the sky was so beautiful tonight..
actually..it has been this beautiful for the past few nites..
went to sch to settle some stuff..den went to bugis with juan..
went home later..n while walking in..i started happily lookin at the nite sky..
so many lights..so breath-taking..
i m serious abt the breath-taking part..
it literally takes ur breath away..
i stood there with my head skyward..n started feelin a bit breathless..
hahaha..
was wondering abt the arrangement of the stars..
i tot i saw the Swan..
but den again..
the Swan is just 4 stars arranged in a diamond like pattern..
n i KEEP seein it everywhere..
den i tot i saw the Big Dipper..
but i couldn't find the last star..
so wat did i see anyway..?
no idea..
but it WOULD b great if i knew huh..
sigh..
toked to kelv earlier on..he was talkin abt how i always hehe n haha thru my life..
i guess i really hehehaha too much..at the expense of my grades..
but..
it's kind of my philosophy in life..
they always say tt some ppl "kai-qiao" at a later stage..
tt's y their grades get better onli during the later stage of life..
i guess i also had a sort of "kai-qiao-in" process..
but in my case..i saw tt life was short..
n if my priority was studies..
den..
when i grow old n look back..
i noe for certain tt i will have regretted my actions..
n i dunwan to just live such a life..
so..
i shall just goof off~

anyway..some interesting thing tt happened today:
my dad had a DEBATE with me..
over a "cheng-yu"..
can u bliv it????
he kept insisting that it shldn't be "yi jiao ta liang chuan" but shld b "yi jiao ta yi chuan liang jiao ta liang chuan"
the details r too tiresome..
but trust me on this..
his argument was quite lame..
anyway..
hahahaha..
i concluded tt he cld always change that phrase..
as long as he establishes himself first..
den i made a remark abt him confusing my sister n makin her blur b4 her "O"s..
den he just laffed..n promised not to say it to my sis..
den we started tokin abt stocks..
erm..
no..
i still duno much..sigh..but i guess i hafta learn..

a hAppY dAy..

2005-05-14T02:32:00.000+08:00

went out with jan youyun n liteng today..
not much has changed..i'm happy to say..
tokin abt the old times..
gossipin here n there..
n i m proud to say..
perhaps amongst the 4 of us..
i hv changed the most~
for the better of coz..
haha..
changed coz i m faster now..can catch on to their conversation faster..
muahahaha..
hopefully i dun revert back..
lala..

there were many changes in our surroundings thou..
the bubble tea place has changed..
so has the landscape ard anderson sec..
for tt matter of fact..
so has the landscape within anderson sec..
so much has changed..but i guess..
somethings just dun..
like our frenship~
toked abt our chalet..abt latest updates..
oh ya..
n i din noe there was such a thing as meetin at the bus stop on 2/2/2002!!
haha..coz i wasn't at the mirc channel at tt time..
hmmMm..
kind of familiar huh..
haha..
ya..
coz s26 gona meet at 26/6 every yr~
haha..
oh..there's smt i discovered abt tt new CC tt's built near my hse..
it's poorly facilitated..
i mean..
it has no gyms..no badminton court..no bb court..
so wats it used for?
no idea..
sigh..
i cant care less..monday's my first lesson of swimmin~
coach's dad..with a fellow classmate (hopefully) namely my sis..
haha..
hope i really catch the gist..
otherwise..sigh..
but lookin on the bright side,
i m a pisces..m i not?
n they say pisceans r good in water..so..
this shld apply to me as well..
shld it not..?
hmmmm..
oh ya..n i think i mite wan to learn some hip hop dance too~
haha..gettin kinda ambitious huh..
oops..

taking a walk back..

2005-05-13T01:54:00.000+08:00

first phase of packing over n done with..
or shld it b first wave?
it's the first of many..
seriously..put away all the files n the cds liao..
but my room..
indescribable..
lol..super duper ultra fei chang cannot make it messy..

after packing..
i decided to reallocate certain things..
among which r my photo albums..
i got bored..
n started flipping thru..
from my primary sch..to sec sch..to jc..
sigh..
a walk down memory lane..
i saw all my frens..
remembered all the fun things..
remembered all the tinsy weensy itsy bitsy stuff..
n started laffin to myself..grinning..n huggin the book so tightly i felt a bit suffocated..
i miss all the fun crazy times..all the silly stupid incidents..even the nicknames..erm..
haha..

kind of weird huh..
walks down memory lane onli allows u to review the fun stuff..
none of the bad..
i hv to think real hard b4 all recalling any bad memories..
hmmmm..
but i guess i haven gotten any bad memories in my sch yrs..
cept mayb 2 in pri sch..? the 2 which got me in auite a tight spot..haha..

kept laffin at the photos..
all the fun memories n silly things we used to do..
someday i must really start to tell the story of my life man..
o/w if i forget.. i will really start to cry..
but mayb i wun..since i wun exactly b me anymore w/o my memories..
m i making any sense here..?hmmmm..
i think it's the memories tt make the man..in this case..the woman..
or mayb the girl?
my memories r the most precious..
it's wat's keepin me alive..
n happy..n mayb just a little crazy..
memories r always perfect..it nv carries any unpleasant feelings..onli amusement at most..
at least, it is for me..
wat i deemed upsetting..or embarassing in the past..
i can now look upon n grin n laff..
but tt's onli coz it's the PAST..o/w i will probably dig a hole n bury myself in it..
haha..
but i do hv one regret..
dat is..not being able to relive those times..
guess i just hafta make my memories come true again huh..
wonder y i started hating takin pictures..
these pictures..makin me so nostalgic..
got the sudden urge to take a camera ard..
snap snap here snap snap there..
n make another album..
i really..miss all my frens!!!!
YANGZHENG, ANDERSON, NATIONAL~!!!
i miss all u guys..SOOOOOO much..it hurts..
sigh..
i think the hurt is from the oh-too-perfect-memories..
memories tt r too perfect..when u think of them..n u noe..
tt they will onli remain as ur memories..
the nostalgic feeling..the want of reliving ur memories..tt feeling..
it hurts..
n i just..i wan my memories to b always by me..i m soooOOo happy..?
nah..i think the word is contented..contented tt i met my frens..
n made those memories..
hehe..

i wan to play monopoly...
oh..mahjong too..

p/s:today's friday the thirteenth..so fun..
pp/s:i'm gona meet youyun, jan n liteng they all~so happy..
ppp/s: i really wanna take tt cam ard..really..sigh..

uPdaTEs..

2005-05-11T18:26:00.000+08:00

upDatEs..or upDEAD..

so long nv blog le..
haha..
exams r over,
moved out of kuok's foundation house (unwillingly i mite add)
STILL am packing the mountain of stuff from my hostel..
continued playing ff8..
went ard lookin for swimming instructor...
acted as my sis's driver..
oh ya..n how could i forget..
i managed to "crash" the car into the curb n spun it off course momentarily..
the jerk was v scary..
quickly checked on my sis..
realised she's ok..
n a driver tt drove past looked in upon us n gave a sinister smile..
yaya..
i noe..
girls r not by nature the best drivers ard..
but hey..! i m tryin ok?
sigh..

at this point..
i had a flashback from the past..
of how i witnessed an accident in the wee hours of the day..
with a front row ticket view from the front seat of an upper decker bus 74..
how i saw a car..
being driven from one side of the t junction to another..
n the driver bumped the car on its side against the curb..
n started spinnin ard..
i really meant spinnin..
it spun for a few rounds before halting..
n out stepped a female driver hu appeared disorientated n dizzy..
haha..
i think i was like her..
cept less dramatic..
sianified..
so now the wheels got prob..
n i got to replace it..
yup..
out of my own pocket..
nope.. i wun let my parents pay..it's my own fault..
so...
i better take up the responsibility..

went to the sch's doctor today to get the letter to let me appeal based on medical reasons..
duno whether can get hostel a not..
sigh..
so many things on hand..
so headache..
the world's spinning at a rate much faster den i m..

n i gotta decide whether i wan this swimmin instructor!!!
but he charges 50 bucks per hr!!
how???????????????
sigh..
the price of learnin swimming..
the price..
of being me..

t0tally sianfied.

end of exams..?

2005-05-05T00:14:00.000+08:00

tml is stats exams..
to b more accurate..today later got stats exams..
den will finish exams..
havent been really studyin or doin anythin really..
been spacing out..
sittin there..with my fruit basket..with all the shows..
i really sigh..
hahaha..
hmmMmm..
this kind of feelin really v hard to bear..
haha..the feelin of thinkin it's the hols..yet realisin there's another paper..
wth..
sigh..
erm..
wat does it mean if i cant taste anythin ar..?
recently been resortin to eatin extreme flavor in order to taste things..
even so..
things can still b tasteless at times..
haha..
sigh..
wat's with my tastebuds anyway??
smt is wrong with me..
n i duno wat is..
sigh..
so long liao..
s00000 long liao..
i wan to laff..
hahahaha..
sigh..
this is hopeless...
tokin abt things tt OBVIOUSLY wun happen..
cmi..
think i better go do the formula sheet..
SIGH..
just the tot of it..SCARES ME..
n i still haven finish the freakin hypothesis!!

fruitbasket~

2005-05-03T21:22:00.000+08:00

muahahaha..
i siao liao!!
hmmMMm..
anyway..
been watchin fruit basket again..
completed it liao..
hahaha..
i tot the highest level of watchin an anime is meltin..
but i melt until cannot melt liao..
in the end..
heart can also skip so many beats..
eventually..
i realised..
the highest level is not meltin..
it's evaporating!!
hahaha..
i SOOO happy..
lol..
melt finish liao den evaporate~
hehe..
sigh..
better start stats..
hahaha..
tata~

wat m i doing??

2005-05-03T03:01:00.000+08:00

so early in the morning..
so close to the stats exam on thurs..
yet..
i m watching FRUITS BASKETS!!!
lol...
i love it...
sigh...
so touchin..
lol..
her frens care so much abt her..
her two girl frens~hana n uo..
n there's yuki n kyo!!!!
omygod..
sigh..
where got this kinda guys so shuai n good to tohru de???
this show is like a guide to all the guys sia..
seriously..i m just..so touched to tears!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
lol..
so touchin!!!
absolutely sweet~!!!!
absolutely..AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
melt liao melt liao melt liao..
i really melting!!!

wats the last letter in the alphabet...... z!!!
wat do u get when snow melts.....?? spring!!!!!!!!!!!!

jialat..i m really dyin of overmelting..
i tot i was thru when i started watchin hunter..
aft finishin it n startin on fruit basket..
i realised..i'm still totally obsessed with girly anime~!!!
hahahaha..
sigh..
i m meltin!!!
hahaha..
n i think this meltin is irreversible de~
haha..
melt till my brain also siao siao liao..
weird..
since brain onli fry when it's v hot.. n brain freeze when it's v cold..
oh ya hor!!
my brain fry liao!!
coz it's v hot..
den i meltin..
den my brain fry~
haha..
honda tohru~
yuki sohma~
kyo sohma~
argh..
i m soOOOOOOOOooooooooo melted...

l0vE..

2005-04-29T03:17:00.000+08:00

You hate not to love but you hate to fall in love.
You can't help but sigh when you see to people
kiss in the park and all. You don't like to go
over board and believe in a small steady
relationship at first so that it can grow. You
also like to think that you can have that kiss
that puts you into a portal and you can't get
back until he/she stops.

How much do you love? GOOD PICS
brought to you by Quizilla

dancing..

2005-04-29T03:12:00.000+08:00

You are a Slow Dancer. You are the romantic girl
between your friends, you have beautiful sweet
little dreams about the future, you love your
friends and ready to do any thing for them.
Your ideal man is the charming prince who is
ready to give up everything just for you, and
always show you how much he loves you.

What kind of dancers are you? (Girls only)
brought to you by Quizilla

ultimate drEAmEr hUh..

2005-04-29T03:01:00.000+08:00

You are a Mermaid, who sits on a rock in
the sea, looking and watching all humanity with
curiosity in your eyes. You have a two-sided
personality! On one hand, you revel in your
freedom and often prefer to live in your own
private dreams.

On the other hand, humanity
intrigues you and you love watching on. You are
actually very kind at heart, hating to see
people hurt and despise injustice! You probably
have one or two special friends, who mean the
world to you!

Also; you are probably quite
political, wanting to see justice done in the
world.

You are quite the dreamer, needing
freedom and personal space to dream your little
dreams. You love to escape into a book or some
good music and just drift away.

Some of your
good points are that you are sensitive,
compassionate and a freethinker. Your bad
points are that you may come across as cool and
aloof to others and probably have a tendency to
depression!

You are the ultimate dreamer with
a kind, but troubled heart!

Are you a Princess, Enchantress, Faerie, Mermaid or Toad? (with pictures!)
brought to you by

teSts..

2005-04-29T02:48:00.000+08:00

~*~*~*~ LOVING~*~*~*~Your loving nature makes you wonderful to be
around. You are the type of person that accepts
people for who they are and they in return of
your good heartedness, accept you right back.
You are most likely a romantic at heart. With a
sensitive soul and probably a broken heart from
the past, you don't usually trust people. You
have probably been hurt by someone you love or
loved dearly which makes it hard to confide in
others. Easy going and romantic, fun and
lovable, you have a great personality. You are
very well liked in the general world that
you're in.
Please Rate or message me! Thank you for taking my
quiz! XoXo <3>
You're Beautiful...but why? ( PICS)
brought to you by Quizilla

the bl0g..n the m00n..

2005-04-29T02:33:00.000+08:00

it's been a long time since i blogged..
erm..this long is by my standards not urs..anyway..just spent the better part of my day revampin this blog..

very happy..
since i manage to revamp this thing..thou not v good..but still..
i learnt many things..hahaha..wanna learn how to do my own html..
so the nx time i revamp this blog..it will b done solely by me..
this time round..i took pictures from the blogskin..den added my flavor~
the marquee, the colour, the font, the song, the things on top n below of the browser..
haha..paisei loh..i duno the terms...
all in all..i m quite contented..

stood at the balcony n gazed at the moon..
it was a pale yellow..it was semi-circular..it stood alone..with no clouds blockin the view..
i just stood there..smiling to myself in a silly fashion..it's so chio!
oh..
i perfectly enjoyed it until i decided to look downwards..
n realised..
i was standin so close to the edge!!
it was so high off the ground!!
n i started feelin dizzy..things started spinnin..
den i freaked n was afraid i would fall off..
so i left the balcony..
hahaha..
think the nx time i better look at the moon on level grd instead..
weak heart cannot tahan..
hahahaha..

eNd 0f liNeAr algEbrA..

2005-04-27T03:39:00.000+08:00

took linear algebra exam yesterday..
onli sure that i hv 15 marks in my pocket..
the rest..
i can onli say.. i realli dun hv any confidence in them..
sigh..
15/100..
not bad huh..
peng..
i guess i m still happy thou..
in a way..since the end of this linear alg signifies the end of a horrifyin journey..

but today..
sigh..
i was really disappointed..
really disappointed..
i dun hv to reiterate it the third time to let u noe how DISAPPOINTED i m..
really disappointed in some ppl..
think i v sian liao..
hahaha..
sigh..
wateva..

anyway..
i changed the arrangement of furniture in hostel yet again..
lol..
under the advice of ivy..
hahaha..
sigh..did lotsa hsehould chores today..
now goin to watch one more episode of hunter x hunter..haha..
from yx de..
v nice~haha..better den wat i expected..
i guess things r always this way..
the more expectations u hv of something/someone..
the more disappointed u will be when u see the truth..
haha..
sigh..
enuf of my lamentations..
i shall go bury myself in the anime..tata..

rem a late nite show..?

2005-04-25T02:19:00.000+08:00

i just wanted a dream so badly, even too much..but i noe that to even say i wan this isn't at all proper. perhaps onli sweet dreams and definitely not nite mares in my dreams will code for a perfect nite but den i really totally cant imagine a do do bird walking ard in it. effectively, i just totally really absolutely horrifically stunningly am seriously so sure that falling down in streets ain't love but is coz with some idiot one like him ard and "not helping", i den noe i m injured coz i m utterly totally frightened.

p/s:sorry for the nonsensical gibberish..
pp/s: 1234..muahaha..i siao liao..sigh..

i m NUTS..

2005-04-23T15:43:00.000+08:00

i must be totally n absolutely nuts i m tellin u..
of all the things to do when i shld b concentratin on the stupid maths..
y???
nice one ween..
y did u hv to take out ur harmonica??
haha...
great..
so the whole afternoon..
u've been happily playin w ur harm..
till now..
congrats man..
u better start ur linear alg..
otherwise..
dunnd to speakof As or Bs..
think ur C mite even fly out of ur pocket..
sigh..
y??

diSc0vEriEs..a sWeet 0Ne..deN a rUde 0ne..

2005-04-22T16:30:00.000+08:00

haha..
must b coz just now i was complaining abt my slp n the nitemares n sweet dreams..
fell aslp just now..
within 2 hrs..
i dreamt so much..
n was awoken rudely..
i dreamt tt i was a girl living in a street..
def not singapore..
kind of like in an english country..
those houses by the street..
a simple one..
i dreamt that i was the daughter of someone v spcl..
but i din noe of her presence..
*some info here i forgot*
den i was able to sit in a basket..
n float ard..
goin from place to place..
there was someone with me..
den we just went places n had lots of fun..
haha..
ya..
with me in the basket..
it was v fun...accordin to my dream..i remember being seriously happy..
den i decided to get off the basket..
aft gettin off, i realised i was seriously injured at the knees with some weird infection..
den tt someone took out a book to find out wat illness was tt..
meanwhile i broke open a fridge under the hdb block..
took out ice to put on my knee..
den tt someone decided to ask my spcl mother to come ard n help me..
suddenly lots of swans flew out from the fridge..
one swan was the queen or smt lidat..
she was able to do a ballerina dance..
n she protected us from all the other swans hu wan to kill us..
den she did her dance n flew towards the heavens..
i got the impression she was supposed to be my mum..
soon i realised that the heavens were tellin me smt..
i remembered seein pictures in the sky..
moving pictures n not clouds..
showin a girl..a necklace..a little horse head n a teddy bear..
think i was given a msg..which i understood in the dream..
but forgot now..
haha..
den afterwards..
i went home..tt someone came along too..
n we visited my mum..
n started chatting on the porch..
den my sister n her frens barged in..
n started pointin and gossipin abt the stranger..
den my mum signaled..
n said he had to leave..
coz there's someone else comin..
den i offered to show him to the mrt..
as we walked past the streets..
i remembered being asked..
"ze xie streets dui ni lai shuo you se me te bie de yi yi ma..?"
which means whether the streets bear significant imptance in my heart..
i told him.."mei se me..dao xian zai wo dou bu shi hen ren shi ze tiao jie.."
i told him i din really noe the streets so they dun hold much significance..
den suddenly..
i saw someone very familiar..
i tot he was someone i wanted to hide from..
so i immediately wheeled ard..
n went the other direction..
but my notes suddenly dropped..
n i picked them up..
turning while doing so..
i saw tt someone(always been with me) hiding..
n i saw the someone i was afraid to look at..
onli to find out i mistook him..
tt it was really just my first bf..

n i was rudely awakened..
wanted to cont slpin somemore coz i tot i set the clock..
but realised i was slpin on the wrong side of the bed..
so i became dubious n got up to check..
n realised..
ya..
i overslept..
haha..
so now..
i shall watch some show..
den go home..
den start study..
tata..

p/s: i was really happy in the dream..really really happy..euphoria..i..hv nv been tt happy for the longest time le..
sigh..
y did i wake up..
or rather..
y cant we live in our dreams..?
pp/s: i meant the dream without the back part.. the ending was too scary..i could feel my heart jumpin out for dear life thou i was aslp..it was beatin v hard even when i awoke..

0ne d0wN tw0 m0re t0 g0..

2005-04-22T14:10:00.000+08:00

just finished lsm1103..
haha..
finally..
but now i got to start on ma1101r..
the beginning of wat mite b the worst nitemare in my whole life..
lol..
nite mare..
like a black horse..
visiting me in the still of the night..
taking me thru the worst scenarios..
placing me in the midst of horror..
n i find myself totally engulfed by the night..
yesterday..in actual fact today..
at 2 am..
i was still awake..
tried my best to fall aslp..
but no slp would come to me..
finally got up n walked ard the dark room at 205am..
wondering..
the nite was so dark..
so silent..
so..
lonely..
the next thing i knew..
i woke up at 730..
i din noe how i got back to bed..
din noe how i fell aslp..
did the black horse visit me..?
one thing was for sure..
sweet dreams din come to me..
was it y i always said sweet dreams..?
so that sweet dreams would listen to my beckon..
n come to me like the nightmares always does..
perhaps sweet dreams did come..tt's y nitemares did not disturb me last nite..
does it mean tt my sweet dreams hv sacrificed themselves for me..?
will i hv visitations from nitemares again..?
all these questions unanswered..

at night..
there were nitemares..
in the day..
there were daymares..
day mares..
to bring my daydreams to me..
day mares..
to bring me away to a far away land where i call my own..

last nite..
i sat on the bus..
touring the sch..
thinkin..
being alone is a kind of bliss..
u get in tune with everythin ard u..
u hear the birds chatting.. u hear the trees whispering..
u hear the leaves gossiping..n u hear the squirrels quarrelling..
ya..
i saw squirrels..which i tot onli nj had..
back in nj..
i enjoyed walkin the long path out..
thou it was kinda stupid nj had its front gate away from the main road..
i guess..
for me..
it was a good thing..
i saw all the anxious parents waiting outside rgps..
i saw squirrels n birds n monitor lizards and so..
i saw me bouncing along the road..
i saw me walkin quietly demurely down the road..

i like walkin alone..
so much time to think..
so much time to wonder..
when the walk gets lonely..
sometimes..
just sometimes.. i wish there were someone else walkin beside me..
but i noe..
all walks come to an end..
no walks can continue forever..
y start a walk knowin it's goin to end..?
i always hated it when i reach my destinations..
hated it when my walk comes to a halt..
n i will look eagerly towards the nx walk..

wat m i anyway..?
versatile..?
or just a plain mood swinger..?
sometimes i feel this..
sometimes i feel that..
if possible.. i rather myself b called versatile..
different persons under different conditions n scenarios..
i was born an introvert..n i m really shy..
but now..
an extrovert..always hi-in to frens n makin new frens out of the blue..
here..
i wan to apologise..
to the many ppl i hv scared when i just happily told them my name n asked them for theirs..
i've always "hi, my name is siowween, wat's urs..?"
so many of my frens would noe this..
esp in nj..
wat u do not noe is that i m onli tryin to hide my nervousness..
i wan to noe frens..
but i duno how to make new frens..
so the onli way i could..was to b loud..n act extrovert..haha..
a shock rite..?
lol..
i noe juan was one of the victims.. so was ivy n shane..
lol..
for that matter of fact..i think most of my frens r..
haha..
juan told me her first impression of me was tt i was siao..
haha...
perhaps i really was..n m..
but..
i m just me..
not some celebrity or smart person..not too special..
not too independent..not too happy not too sad..
i m average..
just me..
i also nd someone to b by me..
nd my family..
nd my frens..
i m just an average me..
someone hu's grateful to those ard her..
it was becoz of u guys..dat i can b the me now..
but i m also sorry..
tt i din turn out better..
hahaha...

i m so tired..
shall not start ma1101r yet..
sigh...just wan to wallow abt in the waters of depression..
lol..
later..~

hmmMm...

2005-04-21T20:25:00.000+08:00

love is all abt risks..
u nv knew how fast ur heart could beat..
even thou u noe tt this is a risk..
u just wan to follow it..
even till the ends of the world..

this is an excerpt..
from the hai tun wan lian ren..
hmmMMm..

feeling lethargic..
must b the stupid raw meat..
argh!!
how come our stomachs so weak ar?
our ancestors can tahan eating raw meat but we cant..
how lousy can we get man..
sigh..

ahHhHHh

2005-04-21T19:39:00.000+08:00

hmMmm..
even thou open book oso got troubles..
liew..
open book..
nothin to study..
but so scared..
so u spend so much time tryin to study..
den realised..
wah..
actually..
waste so much time doin nothin for wat..
PENG..
juan's sick..
vomitted n stuff..
see liao oso feel sorry for her..
but lucky she can take the yellow slip to say she takin exam under unfit conditions..
at least tt will help her lots..
otherwise see her state oso think she really v jialat..
sigh..

cooked porridge just now..
complete failure..
guess wat i did..
i put too much bayam veg..too much carrot..
forgot to add the meat..
so added it later..
but think i ate lots of raw meat..
YUCK..
lol..

sigh..
i go watch my show liao..
muahahaha..

tears..

2005-04-21T01:07:00.000+08:00

i dunwan to be me..
i really dunwan..
i cant stand me..
i dunwan to be me..
i dunwan..
i really dunwan..
haha..
i m really dumb rite..
my past creeps up on me when i m not lookin..

now..
all i can do..
hug myself n cry..
i hate myself for cryin at this point of time..
i hate myself for remembering how much i owe my family..
i hate myself..
i just do!
y cant i b normal?
y?
nothin i own is really mine..
i just..
i..
i wan to be gone from this world..

i cant see wat i typin..
got big headache..
i must be goin crazy..
perhaps..
goin crazy is my onli escapade..

wiSheS..

2005-04-21T00:59:00.000+08:00

wishes..
they say tt when u make a wish..
u shldn't tell anyone..
otherwise it wun come true..
if that's the case..
y hasn't anyone tot of wishin for the opposite.. den tellin everyone wat the wish for..
den the opposite wun come true..
den wat the person wans will come true loh..
rite?
y hasn't anyone tot of it before ar..?
i guess i m the onli smart one..
haha..

i dun feel rite these days..
so many things on mind..
plus the STUPID exams tt's ard the corner..
i really feel like heckin the whole thing..
n become a different me just for once..

juan..
remember wat we said abt takin one day..
n becomin a totally different us..?
think i mite b doin it this few weeks..
i shall become a crazy chick..
go clubbing.. go wild..heck everything else..
haha..
m i able to do it ar..?
no idea..

siao liao siao liao..
i duno wat i doin..
i kp living in my own fairytale land..
i think i noe y i so weird n depressed nowadays..
must b coz i 20 liao..
den i HAVE to walk out of my fairytale land..
but i dunwan to..
i told fanglong abt how i wanted to stay in my fairytale land..
be a girl as long as possible..
i told him..
ppl have diff goals in life..
my goal was to remain a child..
mayb this is coz i hv the opinion that by being in a fairytale land..
i wun hv hurt..
wun hv unhappiness..
n i will b a v cheery person..
haha..
but fairytales always hv their endings..
i guess..
my ending has come..
as in..
i hv to exit the land liao..
sigh..
enuf of the depressin tot le ba..

wishes..
it works when we r young..
a simple wish..
when i make a wish..i'll hug it close to me..
n pray hard..n hope..hope tt it will come true..
tt i mite see a miracle..
when i was young..
i saw miracles..
but now..
my wishes nv seem to realise..
y's that..?
is it coz i hv grown up..?
or is it becoz i hv stopped believing in the miracles of the wishes..?

shld i stop believing..?
since i noe..
no matter how..
no matter wat..
in the end..
wishes..
they nv come true for me..

phAnt0m 0f thE 0pErA..

2005-04-20T16:25:00.000+08:00

No more talk of darkness,
Forget these wide-eyed fears.
I'm here, nothing can harm you
-my words will warm and calm you. .
Let me be your freedom,
Let daylight dry your tears. .
I'm here, with you, beside you,
to guard you and to guide you . . .

Say you love me every waking moment,
turn my head with talk of summertime . .
Say you need me with you,now and always . .
promise me that all you say is true -that's all I ask of you . . .

Let me be your shelter,
let me be your light..
You're safe:No-one will find you. .
your fears are far behind you . .

All I want is freedom,
a world with no more night . .
and you always beside me to hold me and to hide me. .
Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime . .
let me lead you from your solitude . .
Say you need me with you here, beside you . .
anywhere you go, let me go too
-That's all I ask of you . .

Say you'll share with me
One love, one lifetime . .
Say the word and I will follow you . .
Share each day with me, each night, each morning . .
Say you love me . .
Love me -that's all I ask of you . .

Love me,that's all I ask of you

it's time..

2005-04-20T16:17:00.000+08:00

haven been real productive..
think there's been too much on my mind..
a bit upsetting..
haha..
perhaps its time to REALLY detach myself le..
a bit tiring tryin to decipher anything..
din wan to giv up..but was forced to..
lol..
izzit for the best..?
perhaps..perhaps not..
not my fault..i'm the one being ignored..
as usual..
so i guess..
no more circles..time to really just..
dun think anymore..
perhaps the problem will just go away by itself..
argh!!
in the world of modern technology..
hu in the rite state of mind can still be uncontactable???
argh!!!
i must b mad..someone pls call woodbridge to arrange my admission..

i m not myself..

2005-04-20T15:09:00.000+08:00

heard a buzzin sound earlier on..
din noe wat it was..
den i went out..saw a housefly lyin on the ground..
picked it up with a tissue..
but din hv the killing mood..
n i did the unexpected..
i went to look at it..
lol..
it was dark..furry..big..n i think it is in labour..
i cant possibly kill it..
so i just threw it away..
think the fly must hv been paralysed from labour pain..
lol..
sigh..
y must there be exams..?
y cant the world b simpler..?
correction..
y cant MY world be simpler..?
n happier..?

how true is this..??

2005-04-19T15:28:00.000+08:00

You Are A Weeping Willow Tree

You are a dreamer, and you're into almost any kind of escapism.
Restless and capricious, you love to travel to exotic places.
You are easily influenced by others, as long as they don't pressure you.
You tend to suffer in love until you find that one loyal, steadfast partner.
An empathetic friend, you love to make others smile and laugh.

What is Your Celtic Horoscope?

my brAin..

2005-04-19T15:26:00.000+08:00

Your Brain is 86.67% Female, 13.33% Male

You have the brain of a girly girl
Which isn't a bad thing at all
You're emphatetic, caring, and in tune with emotions.
You're a good friend and give great advice.

What Gender Is Your Brain?

clarifications..

2005-04-19T15:21:00.000+08:00

haha..the names actually quite ben..
i just realised tt if i refreshed, they will give me other names too..
onli different combi of the in front n behind..
lol..
so..
haha..
lala..

wah...my own jap name~

2005-04-19T15:14:00.000+08:00

my own JAP name wor~

if use siow ween:

Your Japanese Name Is...

Ryoko Yoshida

What's" your Japanese Name?

oen siow ween:

Your Japanese Name Is...

Yoshe Askikaga

What's" your Japanese Name?

sarah oen siow ween:

Your Japanese Name Is...

Yuriko Reizei

What's" your Japanese Name?

hahaha..my own irish name~

2005-04-19T15:13:00.000+08:00

i got irish name~

if i use siowween:

Your Irish Name Is...

Chloe Fitzpatrick

What's" your Irish Name?

oen siow ween:

Your Irish Name Is...

Chloe Roche

What's" your Irish Name?

sarah oen siow ween:

Your Irish Name Is...

Juverna MacMahon

What's" your Irish Name?

my tRuE hiDdEn p0Wer..??

2005-04-19T12:13:00.000+08:00

Your Hidden Power Is Light
Angel

You have a happy yes quite soul. You keep
somethings to yourself and like to be alone but
don't mind showing your bright side to your
friends. You find that hell is the worst of all
scince your an angl from heavan. You use your
powers for the forces of good to protect gods
creatures.

Gem Stone: Canary Diamond, Eye
Color:Golden,Hair Color:Blonde that
goes to your shoulders

Quote:In my field of paper flowersAnd candy clouds of lulabyI lie inside myself for hoursAnd watch my purple sky fly over me

What Is Your True Hidden Power? .::Beautiful Anime Pics::.
brought to you by

wAt kiNd 0f em0ti0nAl sPiRit..

2005-04-19T12:10:00.000+08:00

You are the Spirit of Love. You think around
romance and are extremely compassionate.
Whenever you want something you can get it due
to your fiery passion. You can make friends
quite easily, because peopole are attracted to
your obvious good nature. You will have no
trouble in finding a life partner and will be
very happy.

Which stunning spirit of emotion are you? NEW AND IMPROVED! (amazingly beautiful anime pics!)
brought to you by

hMMmMm..

2005-04-19T11:50:00.000+08:00

-Sensitive- You're Sensitive, and you'd like to
stay that way. Sorry,listened to a bit too much
Jewel there. You're sweet and very emotionally
charged. You definitely love the person you're
with, and always want to know how they're
feeling so you can make sure they're happy.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by

wat tyPe 0f affEcti0n..

2005-04-19T11:45:00.000+08:00

cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed

What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by

pR0tESts

2005-04-19T11:39:00.000+08:00

haha..
i wan to protest!!
sweet shy type cannot lar..
lol..
too shy no initiative i DUN LIKE..
haha..
so conclusion..quizilla not rite de..
haha
=X

wAt kiNd..haha..

2005-04-19T11:37:00.000+08:00

You like the sweet, shy type.

What kind of guy are you most attracted to? (CUTE anime pics)
brought to you by

haha..

2005-04-19T11:27:00.000+08:00

pls pardon me..
there'll be yet another bout of quizzes~
lol..

whICh wiSe qU0tE sUitS mE..

2005-04-19T11:24:00.000+08:00

Your wise quote is: "Love is life. And if you
miss love, you miss life" by Leo
Buscaglia.
Yes, love is indeed what you desire in your
life. If you have it or not is another matter,
but it is in your eyes the most important
feeling. You tend to be a romantic dreamer and
want you and your love to have that kind of
perfect love that you hear about in fairytales.
However that can be hard to find, but it
doesn't mean you are going to stop looking.

What wise quote fits you?(pics) UPDATED
brought to you by

wat kiNd 0f kiSs

2005-04-19T11:17:00.000+08:00

You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.

What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by

what tyPe 0f alC0h0liC driNk..

2005-04-19T11:16:00.000+08:00

Cocktail

?? Which Alcoholic Drink Are You ??
brought to you by

weAk..

2005-04-19T11:11:00.000+08:00

i got a weak stomach..
eat macaroni den now feelin so terrible..
sigh..
y???
great..
now stomach lidat how to study..
y my stomach so weak??
v pain..
sobsobsob..

whiSpEriNgS 0f thE s0ftEst kiNd..w0rdS 0f thE sWeEtEst nAtuRE..