i was viewin the video for when me n my fam went to europe..
n i remember how we got trapped at a cabin resort (i think it's a ski resort) because of the heavy snow..
the bus..
the house..
everything had snow..
and the wind was strong..
in the mornin the cars were actually totally covered by the snow..
how cool is that..
haha..
so cold..freezing cold..
i still remember that my fam made a promise not to go to such cold places again..
the previous time we made such a promise was aft we went jack's place..
we promised not to go there for 10 yrs..
n the promise is still valid now..
haha..
but as i was viewin the video..
i knew how much i missed europe..
before i knew it..
i was thinkin abt japan n its disneyland..
sometimes i wish i could leave..
go overseas..
and start a new life..
yet i noe that that is hardly possible..
i really wan to leave this place..
have this sudden urge..
to go back to europe..
as cold as it is..
sometimes i feel that it is warmer than singapore..
i noe i cant let negative tots get me down..
but sometimes they come without me knowin..
and by the time i detect its presence,
it's too late..
i really wan to live my life anew..
make new choices..
see more things..
when i m older..
i wan to go to lots of places..
see their culture..
thou regretably i hv to say that i m more interested in the western culture..
perhaps the only asian places that i m interested in r japan n korea..
other than thai n hongkong..but these two are cox i wanna go shop there..haha..
i really have this strong urge to leave..

sometimes..
i m upset at myself..
because i wan to be someone who's not me..
because i find flaws in myself which i wan to change..
because i restrain myself from being me..
because i care too much abt how others think abt me..
because i think too much abt things..
because i dream too much of happy stories, beginnings and endings..
because i build too much castles in the air..
because i wan to wear the glass slippers of cinderella..
because i wan to sleep till i find my prince charming..
because i wan to live everyday in the dreams that i tot up for myself..
because i do not want to grow up..
because i cant seem to forget things..both happy or sad..
because i cant accept myself for being who i m..
because i cant accept that i m worth it havin all that i have now..
because i m afraid to lose all that i have now..my family and frens..
because i m afraid to return to the days of persecution..
because i m afraid to face the lack of love..
because i m afraid of rejection..
because i m afraid of rejecting..
because i do not know what i wan..
because i try too hard to be who i wan myself to be..
because i care too much abt how i think of myself..
because..there's too many things..

and yet..
there's so many things that i do not wan to change either..
that i m thankful..
i m thankful..
that i still have my close frens with me..
that even aft so long without meeting, words come easily..
that i have my family..
that i have God..
so much more to be thankful..

but even so..
the fear of losin it all..
keeps me from barin all my tots..
sure..
i tell my mum almost everything..
i tell my frens almost everything that i can remember too..
but the fear of losing it all..
somehow..
deters me from truly barin my tots..
somehow..
whenever i suffer from a bout of sadness, depression, desperation..
i always choose to suffer alone..
i cant take it at times..
there's so much on my mind..
yet i do not dare to say it all out..
my actual tots..
my actual feelings..
i bottle them all up..
in the tv shows and such..
ppl always act as thou writin stuff n puttin it in bottles and throwin them into the sea will do them gd..
but i dun think so..
they show that if u shout as loud as u can..
u will let it all out..
but for me, i end up crying even harder after shouting..
when i see happy endings or cute beginnings on tv..
i start to tear..n i wonder if it's cox i do not bliv it exists in real life..
when i see family problems on tv..
when i see that a girl is where she does not belong..
i think abt myself..
where i come from..
n the past hurt and persecution..
and i just get so depressed..
i really m afraid..
of losing it all..
of losing faith in life and all of its beauty..
i really m..
i m afraid that with respect to my family,
things will go back to the original status and i will no longer be welcomed..
i m afraid to lose faith in life..
that happy beginnings, happy endings, true marriages and true love does not exist..
i m afraid to lose myself..
i m afraid..
that i will withdraw into my own shell one day..
without anyone noticing..

i really cant take it anymore..

3:11 AM