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Thursday, February 08, 2007

been so long since i last blogged or checked this site..
pretty much has happened..
correction..actually lots has happened..
if u wanna noe..haha..ask me..lol..

i m listening to jake shimabukuro playing "while my guitar gently weeps"..
it's really nice tune..and evokes much feelings..
n as i was listening..
n thinking..
i suddenly felt v moody..
how crazy is tt..listening to one of my fav tunes n yet feeling moody..
but well..
i m..
i m thinking n wondering..
how much does anyone know abt anyone else?
how much does anyone noe abt me?
even the ppl closest to me..
how much do they noe abt me? the things i hv been thru..
the feelings i m having.. the memories i had..
how much do i really noe others..?
for hu they really r?
for wat experiences they really had?
wat memories they hold dear..
wat things they hv been thru..
i noe the answer..
silly me..asking a question i noe the answer to..
no one can ever noe the other person completely..
ppl always try to present their best sides..
present the side of them they prefer others to see them as..
isn't that the same for me?
so y am i feelin this way now?
y m i feeling like i could noe more..
y m i feeling like i wan to noe more..
n yet..i m doin nothin to let myself noe more..
it's all so frustrating..

but oh well..
one thing's for sure..
jake's guitar really super nice..go youtube find..haha
for some reason his version really v different..
even sounds happy n almost like it could tell a story..
a story of how a man n woman met..
the man goes to war..n fights a victorious war..while the woman waits for his return..
one summer day..the man finally returns..
and they are reunited under the sakura trees as the sakura falls around them..

but as i listened to it again today..
i felt suddenly..
that the story din have a gd end..
the ending sounded like there was a second war..the guy went..n died..n all the woman has is the spirit of the guy accompanyin her as she walks down the lane of sakura trees..

i m thinking too much..
when i should really be studyin for the test i have tml..

the world is full of variables..
n not just in the texts..
every step we take..
every decision we make..
every word we speak..
any small change in what we decide to do or say may very well change our future..
perhaps it's time i came to terms with all these..
n really start to plan..

wat i hv until now..
hu i m until now..
wat i did until now..
everything from now on has to hv a direction..
reality is setting in..
and i feel..
i kind of feel like i m losing myself..
with all reality setting in..
i find my world slipping away from me..
my fantasies and ideals i once held close seems to be slippin away from my fingertips..
my hopes n dreams have taken on a different form..
hv i found my identity or is my identity meant to be that of a lost girl?
i just wish i could forget everything n b a little girl oblivious to the workings of things ard her..
but i cant..
tts y i have my world..
tts y i nd my world..
but even now..
my world of fantasy..is being invaded by uncertainty..n lack of confidence......

oh well..
recently v busy with an additional module..
MAP1101.. it's v interesting module..
no lectures..
self study but with intensive hours of lab..
super enjoyable and requires internet connection..hahha
i m a maple addict now..
speaking of which..
i better stop n go study abt drugs.. -_-
cant do without them, cant do with them.

thE tiRed aNgEL dR0pPEd bY At 6:21 PM

* ----------------------------------- *

6:21 PM

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

my world crumbled..
the very moment I discovered who I was..
my world crumbled..
the very moment I become truthful to myself..
my world crumbled..
because I could no longer see my future..
n it all happened too suddenly..
I feel so miserable..
As thou darkness has engulfed my very being..
Taken away my capacity to feel..to see..to think..
Just as I tot I knew who I m..
The very next moment..
I din know who I was anymore..
All I wanted was to sink more..
To sink deeper into darkness..
N forever be lost in darkness..
Was it possible to feel this way..?
Now I noe..
It is possible..
Y did I come into existence..?
My presence does not bring additional joy to anyone’s life..
I do not value add anyone’s life..
Nor does anyone because of me..
Feel like living is a joy..
m just a nobody..
that nobody wants me to b ard..
nothing will change no matter what I think..
nothing will change no matter what I feel..
nothing will change no matter what I do..
that is how little I m..
how insignificant my presence is..
no amount of regrets will turn back the time I hv lost..
no amount of regrets can help me get the future I wan..
can only b kept within me..
n now..
my biggest regret..
is no longer that I made the wrong decisions in life..
my biggest regret..
is not that I have lost everythin I once held dear..
my biggest regret is not that I was rejected in everythin I do..
but my biggest regret..
is that I was born to this world at this time..
my biggest regret is that I m alive..
n feelin every emotion..
my biggest regret..

my world crumbled..
all I see..
is darkness..
darkness so dark..
tht not even a sliver of shadow can b seen..
darkness so heavy..
that not even the brightest sunlight can penetrate it..
darkness so depressing..
that not even the loveliest maiden can sing her way out of the darkness..

amongst all these..
I really feel..
Like I have fallen into the dark..
I do not want to feel..
I do not want to know..
I do not want to see..
I do not..
I do not..
I just..
I just wan…

Yet I noe..it is not possible..n it is not because of me..or other factors..

because of that sentence..
I will hide myself..
because of the words..
I will hide myself..
because my hurt will give others joy..
I will hide myself..
Because of the way I feel..
I will hide myself..

I will do all these..
Even if it kills me..
I have to do all these..
Put on a mask..
N pretend that nothing happened..
I will b dead..
To every emotion that is in this world..
It is precisely because I care too much..
Tt I have to make myself care about nothing now..

Care about nothing..

can someone drive a knife into me n end my misery once n for all?
i really cant take anymore..
i m not a woman..not even a girl..
i cant handle all these..
end my misery already.
end it.
pplllllllllllssssssss endddddddd it...............

thE tiRed aNgEL dR0pPEd bY At 12:06 AM

* ----------------------------------- *

12:06 AM

Friday, November 17, 2006

i should nv have asked tt question.
y did i ask it knowing the kinda reply i will get??
i'm just so pathetic..
dun even noe how to ask questions..
after this time..
scared liao..
i m so tired..
really v tired..
desperately nd a place of rest..
but yet....
so much things to do..
so much things on my mind..
it's hard to get true rest..
even my dreams wun let me off..
y is resting so hard a thing to do?

there are many stories..
the fish is just there..willingly sacrificing itself to be the next dish of the cat..but with the cat's constant playing of its food..the fish flew..out of its grasp..but it's not like the cat needed that fish anyway..and the fish "dup!" into the ocean..and drowned..because it was too tired to move..and it becomes bubblified..becomes bubbles just like in the story of the mermaid..den the bubbles dissolved into the sea..and the marine animals breathed in and out..none knowing the existence of the poor fish..and definitely not the cat..it will never remember the fish..and the fish..prehaps..has found its true happiness..cox at least bubbles r pretty things no matter how transient..n it is reflective too..even for a transient moment..

not making much sense..
exams r comin..
n i still..

thE tiRed aNgEL dR0pPEd bY At 3:11 PM

* ----------------------------------- *

3:11 PM

i m going nuts..
doing doing doing my stoopid CA3..
it's weird how people's emotions are affected by the actions of others..
and how contradictory i can be..
oh well..
self exploration everyday..
mayb tml i will see yet another side of me..

thE tiRed aNgEL dR0pPEd bY At 4:49 AM

* ----------------------------------- *

4:49 AM

Sunday, November 12, 2006

someone whom i do not hold in regard at all has caused me to lose someone dear to me.
i really dislike this fact.
misunderstandings and what nots.
the fact that i lost someone dear.
it's a frustrating fact.
and one i just cant take.
a vicious cycle.
of 7 yrs again.


i dun understand how things got to this stage.

studies is impt..
but to me,
this is just as impt..
yes, i live in the past..
but to me,
my past is what made me me..
my past is who i m..
my past is what makes me go forward to the future..
except in some cases..

thE tiRed aNgEL dR0pPEd bY At 5:34 PM

* ----------------------------------- *

5:34 PM

Thursday, November 09, 2006

i m such a good liar i amaze myself..
but mayb it's because it's over the sms..
that's y i could say such things..
but how could i have beared to type those words were a question mark.

thought of the day
"what if..
the fish said it's ok?"

thE tiRed aNgEL dR0pPEd bY At 7:19 PM

* ----------------------------------- *

7:19 PM

no matter what u said..
if i could redo one thing about today..
i would wan the sms nv to have been sent out..
no matter what u said..
i would still wan today's conversation to have nv existed..
no matter what u said..
i'd rather be still ignorant..
no matter u said..
i would still wish that u took my suggestion in the sms..
no matter what u said..
i still wan..

if i could redo anything abt today..
i would not have sent the sms out..

if i could redo anything within a week..
i would have brought the pillow case for my pillow instead of a bolster case..

if i could redo anythin within 2 weeks..
i would have asked my professor about whether my essay topic was suitable..

if i could redo anything within the past month..
i would have studied harder for the mcq test i failed..again..

if i could redo anythin within the past 2 months..
i would not have started playing the sims 2 again..

if i could redo anythin within the past 6 months..
i would have taken up those dance classes and swimming classes that i wanted to for so long..

if i could redo anythin within the past 9 months..
i rather not meet those ppl that made me wonder abt how some ppl could have done smt so atrocious and think no one can find out abt it..

if i could redo anything within the past 1 yr..
i would not have allowed myself to see how a backview can become smaller and smaller..

if i could redo anything within the past 2 yrs..
there's nothin to redo..i'd rather go back to 2002 or 2003 in J1 or J2..

if i could redo anythin within the past 5 yrs..
i would have not gone to njc..

people say..
the more u noe what happiness tastes like..
the more u noe what sadness tastes like..
for me..
solving any problem should start at the root..
just like green chemistry remember?
get rid of pollutants at the most basic level..
since the cause of all sadness and frustrations i had or that i have stemmed from the fact that i chose to go to njc..
mayb it would be the best if i had nv joined it..

the more i noe happiness..
the more i noe sadness..
how true..
forgetting everythin is tough..
but i have to..
do i..?
i have to..
must i..?
i must..
can i..?
it's not a question of can or cannot..
in the end..

if u ask me..
wat i would change if i could redo the 5 yrs..
even knowing the outcome now..
i still would have done the choices i made..
i still would have..
cept make some changes here and there so that damage is minimal..

in the end..
m still just a girl..
who cant stop wondering..
"what if i could"..

in the end..
seems like a repeat again..

i wish..
i could have redone the whole of today..
i wish..
i could forget abt any conversation..
i wish..
that i nv knew anything..
ignorance is bliss..
it is always bliss..
it's ur heart vs ur mind..
for me..
when i saw the conflict of actions some days back..
i chose my heart over my mind..
and today..
i was forced to choose my mind over my heart..

do you noe how hard it feels..?
time will wash away everything..?
for me..
previously it was 9 yrs..
this time..
i still need another 5 yrs..

i guess..
onli i would have the patience to wait..

thE tiRed aNgEL dR0pPEd bY At 2:01 AM

* ----------------------------------- *

2:01 AM

Thursday, November 02, 2006

i was viewin the video for when me n my fam went to europe..
n i remember how we got trapped at a cabin resort (i think it's a ski resort) because of the heavy snow..
the bus..
the house..
everything had snow..
and the wind was strong..
in the mornin the cars were actually totally covered by the snow..
how cool is that..
so cold..freezing cold..
i still remember that my fam made a promise not to go to such cold places again..
the previous time we made such a promise was aft we went jack's place..
we promised not to go there for 10 yrs..
n the promise is still valid now..
but as i was viewin the video..
i knew how much i missed europe..
before i knew it..
i was thinkin abt japan n its disneyland..
sometimes i wish i could leave..
go overseas..
and start a new life..
yet i noe that that is hardly possible..
i really wan to leave this place..
have this sudden urge..
to go back to europe..
as cold as it is..
sometimes i feel that it is warmer than singapore..
i noe i cant let negative tots get me down..
but sometimes they come without me knowin..
and by the time i detect its presence,
it's too late..
i really wan to live my life anew..
make new choices..
see more things..
when i m older..
i wan to go to lots of places..
see their culture..
thou regretably i hv to say that i m more interested in the western culture..
perhaps the only asian places that i m interested in r japan n korea..
other than thai n hongkong..but these two are cox i wanna go shop there..haha..
i really have this strong urge to leave..

i m upset at myself..
because i wan to be someone who's not me..
because i find flaws in myself which i wan to change..
because i restrain myself from being me..
because i care too much abt how others think abt me..
because i think too much abt things..
because i dream too much of happy stories, beginnings and endings..
because i build too much castles in the air..
because i wan to wear the glass slippers of cinderella..
because i wan to sleep till i find my prince charming..
because i wan to live everyday in the dreams that i tot up for myself..
because i do not want to grow up..
because i cant seem to forget things..both happy or sad..
because i cant accept myself for being who i m..
because i cant accept that i m worth it havin all that i have now..
because i m afraid to lose all that i have now..my family and frens..
because i m afraid to return to the days of persecution..
because i m afraid to face the lack of love..
because i m afraid of rejection..
because i m afraid of rejecting..
because i do not know what i wan..
because i try too hard to be who i wan myself to be..
because i care too much abt how i think of myself..
because..there's too many things..

and yet..
there's so many things that i do not wan to change either..
that i m thankful..
i m thankful..
that i still have my close frens with me..
that even aft so long without meeting, words come easily..
that i have my family..
that i have God..
so much more to be thankful..

but even so..
the fear of losin it all..
keeps me from barin all my tots..
i tell my mum almost everything..
i tell my frens almost everything that i can remember too..
but the fear of losing it all..
deters me from truly barin my tots..
whenever i suffer from a bout of sadness, depression, desperation..
i always choose to suffer alone..
i cant take it at times..
there's so much on my mind..
yet i do not dare to say it all out..
my actual tots..
my actual feelings..
i bottle them all up..
in the tv shows and such..
ppl always act as thou writin stuff n puttin it in bottles and throwin them into the sea will do them gd..
but i dun think so..
they show that if u shout as loud as u can..
u will let it all out..
but for me, i end up crying even harder after shouting..
when i see happy endings or cute beginnings on tv..
i start to tear..n i wonder if it's cox i do not bliv it exists in real life..
when i see family problems on tv..
when i see that a girl is where she does not belong..
i think abt myself..
where i come from..
n the past hurt and persecution..
and i just get so depressed..
i really m afraid..
of losing it all..
of losing faith in life and all of its beauty..
i really m..
i m afraid that with respect to my family,
things will go back to the original status and i will no longer be welcomed..
i m afraid to lose faith in life..
that happy beginnings, happy endings, true marriages and true love does not exist..
i m afraid to lose myself..
i m afraid..
that i will withdraw into my own shell one day..
without anyone noticing..

i really cant take it anymore..

thE tiRed aNgEL dR0pPEd bY At 3:11 AM

* ----------------------------------- *

3:11 AM

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

this entry is not meant for the weak hearted, the elderly, the young.
it is not for the faint and definitely not for ppl who cant stand rantings.
if u belong to any of the above,
please do not continue reading this entry.
stop here and close this window before u decide to punch me or anything.

i m SO disgusted.
i mean, astoundingly seriously utterly amazingly totally thoroughly DISGUSTED.
i cant find a stronger word for how i feel and no.

there isn't any profanities found in this entry either,
so if u r lookin for profanities in this entry,
u better quit here cox u r lookin in the wrong place.

i do not, i repeat, i DO NOT understand how a person could have done such a thing.
this is almost drama like.
n u noe wat angers me the most?
i cant confront the problem.
at least i have frens who share the same sentiments.
at least i have a source to vent all these fustrations.

but still..
i just dun reddy understand how it could hv happened.
i really dun free king understand.
but one thing is for sure.
my judgement of character has failed me..
i m not surprised that i m having these feelings now..
in fact,
i seem to hv anticipated such a thing happening!
this is a theory of "how it happened in the past most prob will happen the same thing when a similar situation arises"
i seem to b able to foretell such things..
gd or bad?
cox it did me well to make a informed decision.
this made me even happier that i did whatever i had to do.
this made me appreciative of my frens.
this made me a stronger WOMAN.
althou it's a lil early for tt, but better now den nv.

as much as i know that knowing the truth is gd for me,
i have no idea how asuch a thing could hv even happened.
how i could hv even allowed myself to get stuck in this kinda situation.
i seem to hv a knack for gettin myself into trouble.
n i m seriously tired of it.
imagining myself finding and enjoying new cheese may lead me to it,
but for now,
cheese to me is a dangerous thing.
cheese is an added advantage,
cheese makes people happy.
but cheese gives ppl diarrohea when they ingest the wrong type of cheese.
for me,
it's time to define the type of cheese i wan.
i wan the green cheese off the blue pickled moon.
the cheese should smell great and taste great and look nice enuf to eat.
it should not hv worms and i do not wan the fermented kind.
i do not wan a totally mature cheese, one that is in the middle of maturity is the best.
of cox,
ultimately, the cheese tt i wan should b adaptable, changing and of cox,
recognise me as the only person to eat it.
but such a cheese is rare.
precisely so because it is the green cheese off the blue pickled moon.
which means to say,
such a cheese most prob doesn't exist.
so for now,
no cheese for me,
i do not wan another food poisoning..
and i definitely do not wan to die of it..
not worth dying or sufferin because of moldy old cheese.
that's y,
before plunging ur teeth into any kind of cheese,
make sure u noe wat kind of cheese u r eating,
n not live to regret later.

life's not abt regrets, it's about moving on and gainin new experiences.
so tts wat i m goin to do.

thE tiRed aNgEL dR0pPEd bY At 11:49 PM

* ----------------------------------- *

11:49 PM

only half hr of slp today..
already feeling super blur and yet..
i m telling you..
when troubles come, they dun come in singles,
nor do they come in waves..
for me,
they come in the form of tsunamis..
too bad i wun give in and drink the seawater and die of dehydration..
too bad i shall survive..
at least for this time round.

thE tiRed aNgEL dR0pPEd bY At 3:00 PM

* ----------------------------------- *

3:00 PM

it took me so long to realise this..
a bit too long in fact..
better late den nv huh..
so it's time..
to act on wat i hv realised..
before it becomes detrimental..
i hv to stop it..
before it becomes too late for me to do anythin..
i hv to do smt..
before i cant bear to do anything..
i must..
i have to..
but i dun wan to..
no matter how much i dunwan to..
i hv to..
how contradictory..
the understatement of a woman's life..
MY life. the story of MY life.
but i dun have to like it.
because i dun.

thE tiRed aNgEL dR0pPEd bY At 2:19 AM

* ----------------------------------- *

2:19 AM

j u S t m E

this is my w0rld..my thots..
mE n mE al0ne..
just . .
siowween . .

s i o W w E e n, s A r A h

~NaMe~ 0eN Si0W wEeN, sArAh
~AgE~ c0nfidEntiAl
~d0B~ mArCh 2nd 1985 --> mY AGE!!oOps.. =P
~hEight~ 166 Cm
~wEight~ w0mEN's sEcREt..(i think..)
~eMaiL~ silver_words@hotmail.com

A d o R E s

- rEadiN st0rYb00kS (fAntAsY, r0mAnCe..esP piErS aNth0ny n DaVid EddiNgs =>)
- dAyDreAmiN
- sh0pPiN
- nEtBaLL
- m0st sP0rtS
- sAppY l0vEy d0vEy sh0wS
- m0viEs
- f00D!!

CuRrEnT h0t FaV
- k0ReAn dRamA!!!!- PriNcEss h0uRs, g00nG!!!

A b h O r s

- illNeSseS
- aNythIng thAt giVes mE a heAdacHe
- anYthiNg thAt i Cant thiNk of
- f0RgEttiNg whAt i AbhOr...!!

D E s i R e s

- t0 hAve thiNgs My Way
- t0 haVe a faiRy g0dm0ther wh0 lEts mE havE thiNgs mY wAy..
- enDleSs wiShes
- t0 lEarN to sWiM
- t0 bE ciNderellA, sleEpin bEauTy, sn0w whItE, jAsMinE, bEllE


m E m O i r s

February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
May 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
February 2007

e X i t S

|tiCkle tESts

s 0 n G.l y R i C s

australia hillsongs
music song lyrics

christian bautista lyrics
free Lyrics at lyricsdownload

s 0 n G.n 0 W.P l A y i N

priNcEss h0uRs:
cl0sE wiTh yoU

c R E d i t S

i got the initial design off blogskin.com from icy angel..
but i added my own snowfall and own music and own rearrangement~
in other words, my own flavour!! =>